Adoption Get Together

We're really lucky to live here in Maryland where there is an active Ethiopian adoption group. Every month these fine families meet up in Baltimore at Dukem restaurant to enjoy Ethiopian food and the general sense of ease that comes from being with families who "know".

This was our first time making the event and beforehand I was really nervous. I am (a) not that comfortable in group situations where I don't know people and (b) not that comfortable in restaurants with my children. Plus, I've been really lonely lately (more about that in a later post) and since we know so few people in the area to me it I approached it like one great big please-be-my-friend interview.

Truly, I did. I showered. I did my hair. I fixed my makeup. I wore jeans without holes and a sweater that wasn't a cast-off from one of my sisters. I wore perfume, which I actually spilled on myself, but it's really light and so it wasn't that strong. One person did mention the smell around me, but in a good way. She said it was "yummy". If I remembered what etsy shop it was from I'd plug it, but I don't, Sorry!

I warned my husband in advice that if it was lame or no one talked to us that it wasn't my fault. No worries there though. Kelly found me right away and they sat with us so we weren't losers. :) I also got to briefly meet Zoe and Renee and I read both their blogs as well.

There were lots of people there and everyone was friendly. I apologize in advance of next month's meeting for not remembering your names! I got to show off Little Miss' picture and talk about how excited we are to travel in July (not March, Gayla!!).

It was LOUD. There were lots of kids there and there was just enough room for them to be up and moving around and burn off some energy. That's good for parents' of children, but hard on everyone's ears. My son was the one trying to slip through the stair railing and crawling around the floor....

What surprised me at first was that there weren't as many kids from Ethiopia as I had been expecting. It seems like this was a "young" group of adoption families and a lot of people were just at the beginnings of wait-lists and the end of paperwork.

There were several families who were home with their kids and they were precious. There were several little ones that I would have loved to have held, but I know the "rules" about bonding. :) Besides, I was busy juggling Peanut and Pickle all night long. There was this beautiful little girl named Netsanet there and she had the sweetest little puffs in her hair and that's my favorite hair style and a beautiful name as well.

I had a really good time talking with the two other couples who ended up at our table, but it was hard for me to have coherent conversations while keeping the boys in line. There were a few times I faded out of conversations to wrangle them around. Some time it would be nice to maybe get a babysitter for the kiddos and then join the group.

Now, the food!! I was a little nervous going in because I'd never had Ethiopian food before and I wanted to like it. I've heard that most people have a love-hate relationship with injera and that some of the food can be pretty spicy. I'm not a big fan of spicy.

We ordered a combination platter which had lamb wot (lamb stew), Minchet Abesh (finely chopped lean beef grilled in ginger and and garlic sauce), and tibs (beef fried with onion, jalepeno, and rosemary). There were also some vegetables dishes on the platter...something that was corn based, something that had cabbage and tomato, and then something with spinach. The entire thing is served on injera, and then you receive a big platter of that as well to eat the rest of your meal with.

Injera...it looks really strange. And my first reaction when I saw it was, "I don't think I'm going to like that". But, ever true to "Green Eggs and Ham" I tried it and I liked it, Sam-I-Am. It looks funky. Think: someone has folded up a linen napkin soaked it with water, put it on a plate and you see them carrying it across the restaurant to serve to someone. It just looks weird. Then, when you get a closer look at it, it kind of looks like the underside of a mushroom...ripply and bubbly and gooshy.

So, you rip little pieces off of the big piece and you use that to scoop/pinch your food up off the platter and eat. Really, I didn't think you could taste the injera. It was kind of a non-taste. Like the bread in a PB&J. You know it's there, but it's not the point.

I liked all the food. There were one or two things that were a little spicy for me, but nothing was outrageously spicy, and it was still all good. Andrew liked it as well. Peanut was quite the adventuror as well and he dove right in. He did well for awhile and really enjoyed eating the injera plain as well as eating the rest of the food with it. Eating with his fingers was very fun for him. At one point he ate part of a jalapeno and he didn't enjoy that and that was kind of the beginning of the end for him. He started chewing without swallowing and then spitting food out of his mouth so I whipped a granola bar out of the diaper bag for him. I was proud of him though and glad that he was willing to eat as much as he did.

Pickle suprisingly enough was the pickier one. He mostly wanted to yank the tray off the table and onto the floor. No highchairs. :( People in Ethiopia are apparently smarter than Americans and they don't take children to restaurants and so they don't have highchairs for them. He gummed the injera and kept it up through the whole meal, but didn't really eat it. He ate a few tomatoes, but nothing else really. He doesn't eat meat and there wasn't a lot that was baby friendly for him. He had a granola bar too.

All in all, the meal was a total success and the evening was a lot of fun. Peanut was losing control (no nap today) as we were leaving the restaurant and it was really crowded and busy then so I think next time we'll leave a little earlier and save ourselves the drama. However, I am excited for next time and I can't wait to try Ethiopian food again!!

Kelly and Erin...you're the two people I know in Baltimore and so expect me to be hitting you both up for some kid-free dinners! :)

Progress Report

Well, I think you all noticed my, let's say, uber-excitement... of Wednesday when we received the pictures of Little Miss, but something else grand happened that evening too.

WE MAILED OUR DOSSIER TO HOLT!

It was kind of funny because everyone on our Holt yahoo board knew that a social worker from Holt had visited Ethiopia and had taken pictures of some of the kids. So we were all waiting for pictures...desperately...some people still are. Then we found out she'd only gone to Addis and that ruled us out. :( Then, I got pictures and so we figured we had been wrong and she had gotten to go to Durame. Then one of the moms of a kiddo who is in a picture with Little Miss told me that her kiddo is in Addis and therefore, Little Miss was in Addis too. And I'd had no idea. So that's progress for her!

Little Miss is in Addis Ababa. :) I now have a much better chance of visiting families being able to sneak peeks of her for me. :)

I also got an email from Holt tonight saying that our dossier was correct! This is a big deal for me because despite my best intentions I am not a "details person". I just can't work myself up to be that anal about things. :) True story, can't do it. This clearly was working against me in the paperwork process and if you could see our massive mess of paperwork you'd be in shock.

I'm also happy that the got it done so quickly because now they'll be sending it to Washington, DC...which I find amusing because that's 35 minutes away from me...and then on to Ethiopia. They said they'd let us know when it's in Ethiopia. THAT is when our next round of

WAITING

really begins because that is court date waiting and that is the most serious kind of waiting there is. (gulp)

We expect it to take about a month before that happens.

Since our dossier is out of our hands what I'm worrying about now is a) procuring grants and b) our i600a. Our social worker strongly advised us not to send this in without a homestudy and since she was a very good social worker we took her advice even though "everyone else was doing it". So, that just left here today as there was a bit of a holdup waiting for one last little thing.

The USCIS website says that for our Baltimore office it will take 3.5 months from start to finish. This should NOT be a problem, but it COULD be. It could be cutting it close. It really would only be cutting it close in the most optimistic and surprising of circumstances, but I can't help but to think about it. What if we get a "suprise" court date because it does happen? Then we wouldn't be ready to travel because we don't have that paper.

I'm getting a knot in my stomach even thinking about it. So I'm quitting. I'm going to leave that in God's hands because I sure as shooting cannot deal with it. So, if you happen to hear my hyperventilating from hundreds of miles away please tell me to "take a chill pill". (ahhh, a phrase from my youth).

To sum up our estimated timeframe now:

Dossier to Ethiopia: Feb 15
Court Date:  May 17
Travel: June or July

Way.Too.Long.

Hint, hint, hint

I have new buttons one for my blog and one for my etsy shop...

I'd like to see more followers on my wee little blog...

I want to spread the word about my adoption flag blankets as we push toward the completion of our adoption...

I have a sister (okay, I have three), but this one in particular has a huge talent for knitting and a heart for her own upcoming adoption...

Oh, and she has an etsy shop...

So, I'm not saying "giveaway"..., but I'm not NOT saying it either...

Maybe you should check out her shop....

Just sayin'.....

Take that malcontent and STUFF IT!

I got pictures. I got pictures. I GOT LOADS OF PICTURES!!!!

I cannot possibly tell you how much happier I am then before. And isn't it amazing how God listens to my whining prayers and blesses me with pictures of my Little Miss when I was desperate?!

Amen.

Oh, man!! You should see her! I have to express my sympathies to all the rest of you for not having a daughter as sweet and adorable as mine. :)

Since you can't see her I'll tell you how beautiful she is.

She is SO beautiful. :)

Her hair is growing and she has these light fluffy curls, and okay, it looks like she a receding hairline so we're not quite sure what's going on there..., her eyes are very expresive and each picture they mirror her emotions, and praise the sweet baby Jesus---we got a smile!!! She has those big fat toddler teeth. She has plumpy little cheeks and my husband pointed out that she's got a little potbelly like the rest of us. :)

And seriously, we got TEN pictures!!

We have the smiling picture, we have a picture of her with a definitely adorable "NO!" pout, a picture of her being fed by a nanny, a picture of her totally being snuggled by a nanny, a picture of her with two little boys standing on a couch, a picture of her with another little girl and the social worker and the other girl is sacked out sleeping and Little Miss has her head on her tummy. I'd LOVE to know who her little friend is...and a few pictures of her sitting and standing, etc.

And these pictures are fabulously and totally better than our normal updates because they were taken by a visiting social worker and they're just regular and unposed pictures. Our update pictures, are obviously precious to us, but they are like baby mugshots. Sit the child down. Snap the picture.

These are Little Miss just living her life and it makes me want to weep. I still want her home with me, but these pictures were balm to my soul.

Let's Talk Talk About...Malcontent

Another part of this adoption funk that I've been in has been due to general malcontent about waiting. For anyone who knows me this is not much of a surprise. I am not particularly patient.  There are some situations where I can be very patient...I'm pretty good at working with kids that have behavioral and emotional disorders and that requires patience, but no, that doesn't extend fully into patience with my own kids because for me to really be patient I also have to be in a situation where I can remain impartial. So, now that we've cleared up the fact that I am "impartially patient", let's move on.

The adoption process does not lend itself to impartiality, but it does call for patient. I can't have one without the other and so I would not say that I am being "successful" at waiting. I am officially MALCONTENT.

These are my excuses for letting my heart stay in this ugly state:

* We saw Little Miss for the first time in July and we will travel probably May-July. That means that we will spend an excrutiating year between first seeing her precious face until we can touch that precious face. She will have spent more than half of her life in an orphanage before we get to her. It's agonizing for me.

* I'm looking at her picture less often now because it makes me really sad. I swear I can feel my heart pulse, pause, empty out and then fill back up with pain and injustice. Not for me (entirely), but for Little Miss. It makes me crazy that she's still there, that I'm not there with her, that she will have been there for so long. We're not talking like a few months that she'll have been in care without a mother's love we're talking about A YEAR which will be HALF HER LIFE.

* I want more updates, you know, more pictures that I won't want to look at because I get so upset. :) We're getting pictures and developmental information every three to four months. Let me clear my throat here: THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!!! I understand electricity issues, staff being busy with other things, not a priority in the face of all the troubles and issues invovled with caring for orphans, delays in communication between Ethiopia and the states, etc. I get all of that. I do. And I'm sorry, but I just don't care right now. I want a monthly report and I don't think that I'm asking too much. I want other families that are traveling to be able to deliver packages to my sweet girl and to take pictures for me. (And I just decided to write an email to my agency...)

* I just want my girl home.

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I also want to say that I would absolutely adopt again. I would adopt from Holt again. I would adopt a waiting child again. None of that is the issue.

Vacation (for good) Raffle

I have another long-winded post about all the nutty things that have happened today, but this is definitely more worthwhile.

My friend, Megan is having a giveaway on her blog for a WEEKLONG BEACH VACATION!!

Is anyone still reading this? Doubtful because I'm sure you're all heading over there to sign yourself up.

If you are still here (thanks for your loyalty) here are the details:

You buy a $10 raffle ticket.

50% of that money goes to orphans in Haiti.

50% of that money goes to orphans in the Congo.

0% of that money goes to anyone to make a profit or cover costs.

You can get one extra ticket for blogging.

Then hope and I pray that I, opps...you, win the raffle and take your family on vacation.

Anyway, it's a truly great cause hosted by a truly great girl.

Get in on it!!!

Let's Talk About...Fear part 2

In my post about being afraid of wrecking my family I think I left out a salient point. I talked in that frightening post about the pressure that (I think) women feel to keep things together and the desire to do right by our family. I still think that's true, but I think there's more because I am talking about being the parent of an adopted child.

Let's say that we weren't doing an adoption and my family started struggling to the point that it would be obvious to the general populus that all was not well. My kids were being kooky, my husband and I were a mess, and we were all clearly on our way to the loony bin.

I think people would say things like, "Well, you know she was a stay-at-home mom so she was probably projecting her needs onto her kids." and "You know how those military men treat their families!" and "It's probably because she had postpartum depression and so clearly she's not mentally stable." and "What do they expect when they move around so often and don't live close to their families?" Etc, etc, etc.

It would be said in a way that directed the blame at me and my husband and shifte it away from "those poor children". And I can take that. Maybe it would be my fault, maybe not, but I don't really care if people gossip about me.

BUT!!!!

We are adopting. And we do have a great family so far. And people think we're great (because I don't let anyone see my vastly inferior housekeeping skills) because my boys are smart and cute and funny and my husband is so smart that we all just roll our eyes and he works harder than the devil so I can loaf at home with the boys.

But do you know what people will say if we fall apart now?

I think it would sound more like this... "You know she's adopted, don't you?" "They were fine before they decided to bring her home." "I mean, she lived in an orphanage!" "She really came between them all." "She had so many needs that they couldn't handle things anymore." "If they hadn't decided to adopt then none of this would have happened."

I think that the blame would instantly be shifted to Little Miss and let me count the ways that I would freak out on people. So, my "Mama Bear" comes out in advance to protect this little girl who has already suffered more than enough in her life. I can't have people thinking bad things about her, blaming her, fingering her for my shortcomings and so I have to keep it all together. I have to do more than keep it together. I have to keep it uber-together. (Or as Peanut would say) I have to keep it SUPER-DUPER together.

Because really at heart I'm not a fighter, but if people were to start picking on one of my children I'd be (crying a lot) donning my brass knuckles (I don't really have any) and whaling on people (maybe stomping on their foot or sternly shaking my finger) until they understood that my children are off-limits in the blame game.

So that's another layer of the fear because we will be a visible family and I want to be an advocate FOR adoption. I don't ever want to give the impression that this experience has been anything, but a blessing to us as a family, but I do want to be honest about the struggle. We all need to stop thinking that struggle=bad thing. Growth comes through stuggles and growth is good therefore struggle is...dare I say it....good! (Quick! Someone Biblically better than me comment with those verses out of James..)

Book Review: "Please, Baby, Please"

On a lighter note....

Here's a book review for one of our favorite books. It's called, Please, Baby, Please" and is written Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee.

Backstory: We've had this book for a long time now. I picked it up at a used bookstore. I think we've talked before about a certain weakness of mine...

Why:  So, I picked it up initially because how cute is that baby? :) We've also made a point in our career of parenthood (three years...I'm no expert!) to always try to have books that showcase the wonderful world that we live in, the diversity of people, places, and cultures. Because may God smite me if my children grow up thinking that all the world is white middle class suburban. Blech. Now it makes me happy that I don't feel like I have to go out and buy a bunch of books that feature different ethnicities and cultures because we're brining Little Miss home. I may (do) want to go out and buy MORE book, but that's a temptation that I bravely face each day...

Overview: This is the story of a day in the life of this busy little todder. It opens with an exhausted mother laying on the floor while the baby plays happily and the clock reads 3am. The text is "Go back to bed baby, please, baby please." The rest of book is the mother entreating the baby to eat, play nicely, go faster, not splash in the tub, etc. The text is always a variation of "please baby pease". It reads lyrically and is sweet without being obnoxious. The end of the book is the pajama'ed baby reappearing in her parents' room saying, "Kiss me goodnight mama, mama, mama, please?" And the loving mother gets back up and tucks her toddler back into bed with a kiss.

Intended Audience: This book gets two sticky thumbs up by both our boys. Peanut likes the silly things the baby is doing and likes the repetitious words in the book. Pickle sits and flips through the pages by himself as well. (picture to come). The lines, "please baby baby baby please" have become a common refrain in our house. This book is definitely a keeper. Our only complaint is that there aren't more in the series. (There is actually one more called, "Please Puppy Please", but we don't have that (yet) and we think it's good enough for there to be several books anyway)

Score: 5 out of 5 easy!

Let's Talk About...Fear

While I'm spewing forth all the things I've been thinking about lately I want to again apologize for anyone that I scare in the process.

One of things on my mind is: WE HAVE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.

Now here's my instant disclaimer so no one calls my social worker. I don't really think that we've made a big mistake by choosing to adopt, but oh my gosh it feels like it.

I also felt like this before my second son was born. I was sure we had ruined our first son's life as well as our own.

Why? Why would I feel like that adding a child to a family by adoption or birth is scary as hell?

Because really it is.

Society tells us over and over again. "Hey moms, don't be neurotic about every little thing." And we start to exhale, but they continue, "but, don't screw anything up!" And we catch our breath. Then they say, "Children make their own choices and you have to let them." So we think it's safe and we start to exhale, but they go on, "but if your kid makes the wrong choice it's absolutely because of something that you did." And so we freak out again and we're all running around unable to breathe until we pass out and fall over (because we neglected to take time for ourselves like they'd been telling us to do).

So that's why it feels like adding a child to a family that is running fairly smoothly can suddenly seem like a big bad idea. Because we know what we've got going right now and it's a good thing and we want it to continue to be good and we do feel responsible for our children and our families. And if bringing a child into the family teaches you anything it's that

YOU. ARE. NOT. IN. CONTROL.

I love my family. I love my husband. I love both my sons. And I love this child who will be my daughter. I want them to be happy. I want them to be men and women of integrity, strength, compassion, mercy, justice, loyalty, and perserverance. I want them to love Jesus, their families, their countries, and their neighbors. I want them to succeed in life, but to struggle just often enough to develop depth of character. I want them to teach and be taught. I want them to help and be helped. I want them to love and be loved. I want them to serve and be served.

And the rub of all that is that I can't do it. I can do my best and it will never ever ever be a fraction of what I want for my children. All of the happy hopes and dreams that I have bring me face to face smack into my own failings, mortality, and sin. And if I can't hope to do it for the children I have then what business do I have in trying with another child? This is big stuff and I don't want to mess it up.

So this is what I do. I remember that these children are not my own. They are entrusted to me by God. I pray the words of a Caedmon's Call song that says, "Lord, make me the stream that feeds their garden". I trust not in my ability, but in His. I believe that I can't make it work, but He can. I remember that I do not have to be afraid because He is with me. I pray for less of me and more of Him.

And then I tune out what society tells me and I see a picture that Peanut drew of our family and he asked me to write everyone's name down beside their picture and he points them out to me: Daddy, Mommy, Peanut, Pickle, and Little Miss. I push fear aside and I daydream through dress stores. I collect all the change laying around our house so that we can start saving those pennies for plane tickets.

I choose not to be afraid. I choose to love.

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I'm rereading this post and I'm not happy with it at all. Somehow it's not conveying what I wanted it to say. My message got lost in my wordiness. Let me recap:

1. I feel scared that this decision to adopt was a big mistake.
2. I don't really think that, but that's what it feels like because
3. what we are doing is BIG, bigger than me, bigger than my ability to control
4. I mean, we are talking about another person's life here.
5. It's scary as hell because I have to confront the truth that what I perceive to be control of my life and of my family is only an illusion.
6. When I push past the illusion I know that God is in control.
7. And that is exactly where I want to live my life.


Okay, that seems a little better to me. Still not great, but hey, if you want deep well-thought thoughts then you are reading the wrong blog!