... well, no, this isn't an update from Jamey either. Sorry everyone! However, Jamey did ask me to write a post for her blog while she is in Ethiopia. (My blog is
here if you want to check it out.)
I'm the mom of two Ethiopian daughters. My first daughter came home in Feb. 2008, and my second just came home Jan. 1, 2010. We started our first adoption in May/June 2007 and never looked back. Adoption was the absolute perfect way to build our family.
As I think about my journey to motherhood via adoption, there are things I wish I had known. My husband and I started the process with a great deal of naivete as we didn't at the time know anyone who'd adopted before, much less from another country, much less
transracially.
The aspect of adopting I had not counted on the most is loss, grief, and sadness connected with adoption. Before bringing our first child home, I thought it was pretty straightforward. We wanted to be parents. We'd adopt a baby... and poof! We'd be parents and live happily ever after with our baby. I had given little to no thought to my future daughter's
birthfamily or history.
That is, until I wrote the letter to the
birthfamily. That crushed me. I mean, how in the world does one thank someone for giving me her child so I can be a mother? I think about my girls'
birthfamilies daily, several times a day. I grieve for them and the loss they and my girls experienced.
And sometimes I feel really selfish. Sometimes I don't feel worthy. And sometimes I feel the huge burden to live up to the expectations I think my girls'
birthfamilies have for me as their mother.
My girls are MY girls, but they were other people's children before that. They have histories and parts of their lives that are forever lost to me.
With our second adoption, something that surprised me was how different it was from our first and how much I struggle with it. My girls' stories, which I can't share
publicly, vary greatly. Mainly, with our first, we received our referral for her when she was 3 weeks old and brought her home at a little over 3 months old. We met her
birthmother and
visited where our daughter lived before coming to our agency's home. On the other hand, our second daughter lived with her
birthfamily for almost 8 months before becoming our daughter. We were not able to meet any of her
birthfamily and know almost nothing about first 8 months of life. Since she came
hom on New Year's Day 2010, I've mourned that "lost" time. I wish I'd known how hard it is to have a hole in my daughter's story and how much it affects me.
Adoption is an amazing gift and blessing. It was how my family was always meant to be built, and I know my girls, born of other women, were always meant to be mine. But being an adoptive parent means accepting that you can't have all the answers, that you will get looks and comments EVERY time you're in public (mostly friendly), and that you will have times in which you feel your heart might break in half.
With that said, I am eager to start our third adoption in a few years
and of course...
Congratulations,
Zehlahlum Family!
