Procrastination and Pouting and Progress

The pouting is all mine. The progress belongs to Little Miss. The procrastination is mine too. And those things aren't connected, they just all started with P so I lumped them together in one blog entry. 

I'm blogging right now mostly because I don't like my options. The thing that I really should be doing is calling the stinking doctor's lab and harrumphing at them for not charging our insurance for Little Miss' labwork and then getting that $400 mistake fixed before we get a bill for the next set of labwork. And as fun and cheery and uplifting as that experience will surely be I'm procrastinating. The other thing I could be doing is washing the dishes that are to big to go in the dishwasher. I've left them by the side of the sink for long enough that I can say with certainty that they're not going to wash themselves so apparently I'll have to do it. Eventually.

I'm not going to go into specifics about the pouting. I just feel a little bit like this poor guy:

Now onto the progress. Little Miss said her first independent sentence this week! Okay, for all you proper sorts out there she left out the verb, but whatever. :) Here's the scenario... Little Miss bops Pickle over the head and takes the toy she was coveting  from him as he rubs his head. Pickle gives her a dirty look, shouts, "NO!" And cries for effect because I'm right there. I intervene with mom-blather about not hitting and not snatching toys and especially not both at the same time. I instruct her to "say sorry to Pickle". I'm fully expecting that she'll do the ASL sign and maybe babble something or get out the word "sorry" or "Pickle".

Instead, my smart little cookie says as clear as a bell: "I so sorry Gickle!" 

(Gickle being the Amharic equivalent for Pickle, obviously)

I just about fell off my own feet. She's been stringing ASL signs into "sentences" for weeks now and has been able to repeat two words when prompted or would say something like, "mommy up" or "more please" for awhile, but this was a sentence of her own making in context and (mostly) correct. 

She hasn't done another sentence since, this was about three days ago, but she is repeating/using three words when she talks now instead of mostly two. So, before I forget these are the words that she's using on a fairly regular basis. The ones in bold are ones that we sign and say. She has some that she still signs, but doesn't say and lots of words that she'll repeat, but not use on her own.

Pickle, Mom, Dad, Peanut, more, please, sorry, thank you, welcome, shoe, up, eat, cup, book, NO!, yes, car, help, jump, shhhh, kiss, I love you, poop, potty, diaper, sit, hot, where, soon, all done, what, coffee, bib, bed, sleep, socks, blanket, drink, muffle (pacifier), milk,

I think that's pretty good for 6-7 weeks home!

Why

Despite my recent bravado about the lessons learned during trials in life I spend a lot of time doubting and scared about how this is going to work out for us. There are so many questions that I have. So. Many. 

So many times during the day I am overwhelmed. I am lost as to what I need to do. I do not understand what she needs or how to meet that need. She is not my only child. She is not the only person in the family with needs. I do not understand her behavior or how to manage the chaos that she creates.

It is SO SO SO easy to start thinking "me, me, me, me" because I'm the one who has to respond to everything or not respond to something (and that's an exhausting decision in itself) for everyone, not just her. 

There is one thing that I know and that I have to force myself to remember. And let me tell you, when I DO remember and act on this it (usually) makes an ENORMOUS difference in the quality of our day. 

When I start asking, "WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?!" I know the answer. The answer is:

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! and...

It's really not. This is about a child who doesn't know another way and last time I checked I was the adult and therefore the one responsible to facilitate change.

One of our big problems is that we haven't found a reliable way to calm Little Miss down. Right now (please pardon my creepy analogy), if you imagine each little behavior as a spark and she just keeps 'sparking' and 'sparking' and 'sparking' until we have a full-fledged fire that rages and then eventually burns out. It leaves behind hot ashes though that will spark faster and burn hotter the next time.

I so quickly get irritated and felt put-upon because I get "second-degree burns" on my hands when I have to reach into the fire and try to 'put her out'. Wah, poor me, right? NO! Who cares?!?! Can you imagine what it feels like to be the one who is burning up out of control? 

I have a child who is traumatized, no doubt. Sure, there was probably trauma in her early life and then she was in an orphanage, which is more trauma. Then we showed up and brought her here, which I think ranks 2nd on her trauma scale. First would be the separation from her mother and I think that her time in the orphanage would be third.

And guess what folks, she didn't invite us! We sure as hell traumatized her further by adoption. Sure, it was done with the best of intentions, but she doesn't care about that at the age of two and it doesn't mitigate the suffering that she has to overcome.


This is a child who deserves her rage. We need to find some better ways to deal with it, but when I find myself asking: "Why is she doing this?!"


The answer is: Because it's not about me and she has feelings that deserve to be expressed. 

I've been doing a lot of reading about families who have kids with severe attachment problems, perspective from adult adoptees, and children have to say about how they experienced their adoption. 

I'm trying to keep it fresh in my mind that this isn't about me. This is about Little Miss, her needs, helping her learn how to meet her needs in an emotionally satisfying way, and relearn the joy that can be found in a family. 

I read something recently that I found to be really helpful in explaining what was going on with Little Miss. It wasn't new information, but it said it well. 

In Attaching in Adoption it says this, "Children have had to work to get their needs met! They are afraid not to be in charge of the signals for help. They are also afraid that calm dependence on parents will only result in more neglect. Children...learned to get louder, more persistent, more irritating, or more charming, to get basic needs met." 

Little Miss is doing the best that she can do. She is trying to get her needs met the only way that she knows how and despite the chaos that it causes I am SO GLAD that she has not given up and I am not going to give up either. 

Timely Giveaway

There is Blended Beauty Giveaway over at Beads, Braids & Beyond!

I NEED to win this giveaway because of the ridiculous(ly wonderful) child I call my oldest son!

Did you miss the post where he killed wasted my brand new bottle Curly Cake Shake?

So, I'm telling ya'll about it because I want the extra entries, but really, you should NOT enter!

Lessons Learned

I don't talk theology a lot on my blog (or in real life). I don't do it well. I'm not that kind of smart. I will happily leave it to the Bible-nerds. So please, don't judge Christianity (or me) by how well I express these thoughts. There are much better resources out there for you!

These are my thoughts to psych myself up for another week here at Zehlahlum house because I want more for myself, more for my husband, more for my children, more for my family than what we've currently got going on. I don't believe that God leaves us to flounder helplessly or to dig ourselves out on our own. I don't think he causes our problems or reaches down and just solves them for us (mostly).

I think that in different times of our lives we see different faces of God as he teaches us about another of his many attributes. I think this is one of the ways that God uses even painful situations for our good. I do not think that he contrives them (a sinful world does that easily), but that he uses those events so that we can see another side of him. It's easy for us to get locked-in to seeing him one way, our way, and God is so much bigger than whatever we think.

In my last few years of high school I was in an abusive relationship. It was ugly and it was a secret (as those things tend to be). That relationship ended and I found my way broken and hurting back to God. As I worked through the fall-out of that time God showed himself to me as Joy and Mercy. He hadn't caused my suffering and he had counted my tears, but he knew what I needed to heal and thrive and he gave that to me. He asked for as much as I was able to give him...nothing...except to let him back in, but he gave me Joy and Mercy.

After my wonderful Peanut was born I had postpartum depression in a hardcore way. Blech, it was brutal. I was a total mess bandaged together by a wonderful husband, supportive family, and Zoloft. I had panic attacks and I cried and I was barely functional. But again, when I reached for God he was there waiting for me. And I learned about Faithfulness, Peace, and Prayer. Again, he asked for as much as I could give him, but he gave me so much more in return.

These days, you've been reading about my struggle. I am still struggling. I'm struggling to love (and to think), I'm struggling to make it through the days, I'm struggling to be all things to three small children, struggling to balance everyone's needs, struggling to move us from barely surviving to soundly thriving. I don't want to presume, but I'm pretty sure I know what God is showing me here: Worship and Redemption. He's asking so much though. He's asking everything of me and this time my general feeling is that I am failing. But it's exactly when I feel like I am failing that I need to remember to throw myself back at his feet so that I can stand up again.

I will remind myself that he's never left me before and he will not leave me now. Years from now I will look back on this and I will see what I've learned, and where I have grown and I will say that as hard as it was I would not change what I've learned and the character that we've gained.