Prayer

I appreciate all the emails and comments that I've gotten from everyone since I posted about our recent struggles. Every comment that comes in brightens my day, really. Thank you all. This last comment really touched me, for obvious reasons. I don't know anything about Marilyn  (except she has good...if a little depressing...taste in blogs), but she posted this comment. I'm reposting it since clearly I'm a glutton for punishment in need of prayer.

Marilyn said... I have been keeping up with your blogspot for several months! I often share your experiences with my husband and we both appreciate your honesty in dealing with what you are going through! We are the parents of four grown children and we have three grandchildren! We are the first to admit "parenting" isn't easy under any circumstances and we know that you are facing issues we never had to face! Please know that there are people who care and we feel like we need to help by doing the only thing we can do and that is pray! We would love for everyone to join us tonight, Saturday, August 21st, at 9:00 PM EST for a time of prayer for your family! Everyone, please ask God to help Little Miss feel secure in the love that her new parents are trying so hard to give and please help the parents to have the strength to continue with the daily struggles that are occurring! God loves it when we join together in praying for something that is so dear to His heart and that is little children! Little Miss truly qualifies for the "least of one of these"! Matthew 25:40 

Thank you to Marilyn and anyone else who would like to pray for our crazy little family. 

Heavy

We've got a lot of attachment stuff going on here these days.

Our house is not pleasant place to be right now.

Our strands of attachment are thin and being s   t    r    e     t     c     h     e     d.

I feel like we're building a house of sand on top of earthquake fault lines.

I'm really worried about us.

I'm sad, so so sad, that we're in this place.

Everywhere I look I see flashing neon lights that say "You are failing."

Failing. Failing. Failing.

Constantly.

I ask, "Why?"

And there are no answers.

I ask, "How much longer?"

And there are no answers.

I ask, "What do I do next?"

And there are no answers.

Failing. Constantly.

I have no answers. I just have one little girl, the epicenter of our earthquake, and she calls me "Mommy."

Recommended Reading

I've posted all over the place about my obsession love for books both as entertainment and also as resources for parenting. Adopting was just another excuse good reason for me to buy more books. I have read so.many.books.about.adoption. Lots. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT painting myself as an expert, but even my attachment therapist was impressed by collection of books. In fact, I recommended one to her. lol (Am I goody two-shoes or what?)

I get a lot of questions about what books to read. I was going to make a funny flow chart, but haven't gotten that far yet. And let's be honest, that would really just amuse me, and I would like to help "yous guys" (that's how my grandma would have said it). So here are my recommendations based on categories. (I'm assuming that you're a white person adopting internationally transracially because as far as I understand it that's my demographic. If you're otherwise, please let me know and I'll adjust my categories)

** Please use your brain while reading. I don't agree with everything in all of these books and you probably shouldn't either. **

International Adoption: Everyone

This is absolutely my number one recommended book. I think it is FANTASTIC!! I've talked about it a few times on my blog here is when I first realized what a wealth of knowledge it is. I think this should be the first book that people read about adoption.

I would recommend that everyone read The Post-Adoption Blues. Hopefully, you'll never need it, but again here's my motto "It's better to be scared than unprepared". It's an easy read and isn't too gloomy so don't be afraid of it.

I also think that everyone should be reading the books and blogs (and watching the movies) listed by John Raible. People tend to be resistant to hearing the voice of the adoptee and it blows my mind. If a child could write a parenting book we would read it because we want to be the best parents we can be and there's no way to do that better than to get into that child's mind and see through their eyes. Well, surprise! Adoptees can and do write books/articles/blogs etc and we can read them and see through their eyes. 

Infant Adoption: I didn't actually adopt an infant so there may be others here that would be helpful as well, but really, I think that with a baseline from the PYIAC book I'd move onto reading about attachment parenting which is fairly counter to what most of the advice that you will get.

I would read The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. It encompasses everything from birth until two years of age. It does talk about some things that won't apply to international adoption like those first few weeks of life, breastfeeding, etc. It also follows an "ages and stages" approach which will not necessarily line up with your child's developmental age either. However, the activities and goals that he has listed for each age and stage would be a good guide. It covers common childhood sicknesses, babywearing, sleep issues, and just many of the things that you'll encounter in the first two years of life. I think it's a great resource to have especially if you're a first-time parent. Dr. Sears has an entire line of books so if you like this one you can check out some of the other ones, but I think this is the most comprehensive.

I also highly recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.This is a great resource for understanding how babies are actually programmed to sleep, understanding your child's needs, and meeting those needs in a gentle way. She provides enough of a "system" to help the parent feel like they're "doing something", but it's nothing that should stress you or your baby. There are a ton of tips and options that should fit every family and she writes with the gentle "you are not alone" tone that is reassuring for the mom who thinks that everyone else's baby is sleeping  through the night.

Toddler Adoption:

I want to re-recommend the Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child book here because I think that it has fabulous ideas for things that you can do with your child to help facilitate attachment. I also like the method that she has for calculating family age and for categorizing the behaviors of children as they attach as an easy way to help understand your child.

From there I'd read The Connected Child. Here's my review of it. Then brace yourself and go ahead and read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would brace yourself probably before and after with a stiff drink. It's not a pretty read, but I do think it is good to read beforehand and here's my review.

These are not adoption specific, but the theories and practices that they have are sound and are easily incorporated into parenting an adopted child. The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers is by Elizabeth Pantley and discusses the sleep needs of bigger little kids. Again, it's full of ideas that will help you to get your child to sleep without tears. It is so challenging to try and balance attachment and discipline and boundaries when bringing a toddler home because it all has to happen simultaneously. These are books that I've read previously that I've found have a lot of application these days. Jane Nelson writes Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers (as well as many others). These are helpful for establishing boundaries, self-control, and setting your child up to be successful in their family. Dr. Sears also has The Discipline Book which has some good ideas as well and is fairly comprehensive to include things like some sleep issues and potty-training. Elizabeth Pantley also has a series of "No Cry" books such as The No-Cry Discipline Solution book, The No-Cry Potty Training Solution, and the No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution. I have NOT read those books and so I won't link right to them, but I'm familiar enough with her work that I would say they'd be worth checking into if you need help with those areas. (I plan on purchasing the No-Cry Separation Anxiety to help with Little Miss' overall anxiety level).

Older Child: Again, this is not my area, but based on the books that I know this would be what I would do if we were starting an older child adoption today. :) Also let's just hypothetically say that if you were parenting a toddler with difficulty attaching these might be useful to you too....

The repeats: Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child and The Connected Child for absolutely sure. Do not skip these. An off-topic book from the above list would be The Discipline Book.

I would read Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray. It's a deep read, but it is way full of good information. Seriously though, don't celebrate your referral by reading this book. It's really about parenting a child who has internalized grief and trauma. It has a really great chapter called "Emotional Development: Promoting Attachment at Every Phase". (actually it's a really timely reminder for me right now) Another good book is Attachment-Focused Parenting by Daniel Hughes. At our stage (toddler adoption) I didn't find this one quite as helpful as the book by Deborah Gray. I have also been recommended "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Gregory Keck. I haven't read either of those yet though they're still on my list.

These books are not related to adoption, but again, have good attachment parenting principles at their core. I think that in most cases attachment parenting gets harder and is more controversial and less accepted as children get older so books can be very helpful in strengthening your resolve. Another Dr. Sears pick is The Successful Child which basically picks up where the last book left off age-wise. One of the best parenting books that I've read is Kids Are Worth It. It focuses more on "parenting theory", but is all about how to parent your children with respect and really giving them skills to learn to control their own behavior rather than imposing the parenting sledgehammer all the time. The tools given in this book are really applicable to any stage of parenting, but I think are most helpful for preschool ages and up. Another book that I've really liked is Grace Based Parenting. This is another one that I think really starts to make a difference in the preschool and up age range. It's really about meeting the essential core needs of your child.

So how about the rest of you? What books have you read that you were really helpful? I'm always up for a new read!!!

Travel Post 6

We met our daughter's first mother. I am profoundly grateful that we had that opportunity, that it was set up by our agency, that her mother chose to participate and that we had the opportunity to sit together for a time and talk about her daughter, my daughter, our Little Miss.

I am not going to post a picture of her on the internet. For me, that doesn't feel right. But if you're just dying to know what she looks like then I will show you this.

Take that face, mentally age it into adulthood, give a little leeway to account for genetic variations, add the character and depth of growing up in Ethiopia and you would have the face of Little Miss' mother.

Seriously though, my daughter looks like her mother and it makes my heart happy. As she gets older and wants to know about these things I will tell her how she looks like her mother, how I can see her mother's face when I look into Little Miss' eyes. I will tell her how her mother smiled when I said, blurted out really, how much Little Miss resembled her and she shook her head and told us (through translation) "No. Little Miss is konjo (beautiful)."

The other thing that really really struck me and I didn't even know that this was possible, but Little Miss and her mother give off the same vibe. Just sitting there with her while we were talking and when we were just sitting it felt just like being with Little Miss. They have the same presence. There was a depth, a solidness to Little Miss' mother that is hard to put my finger on. Don't get me wrong, Little Miss is a goofball and a firecracker of the first order, but deep down that girl has soul. And now I know where she got it.

I've had a few people ask me about the terms we use about the woman that most people would call Little Miss' "birth mother". I don't really like that term. Blech. To me, "birth mom" sounds kind of disrespectful like she was the breeder or incubator she "did her job" aka gave birth and then hightailed it back to a frat-party or something. I don't know. I just don't like it. Not to mention that Little Miss lived with her for almost a year she was her mother  plain and simple. So, we've been using the term "first mom" because that's really what she was. She was her first mom. I am her second mom. This is just basic counting. It is not a competition. It's okay. I have a first son. I have a second son. I don't love Pickle less just because I had a son before him. Chillax. You'll also notice that sometimes I just say "her mother". It depends on what I'm talking about, but sometimes it  just seems like it fits better. 
I wrote a post about her first mother here and generally I still agree with what I wrote. (Usually after any length of time has passed I disagree with myself, but I think that this still rings true.)

Okay, our birth parent meeting happened kind of in the middle of my last post. We went to Durame, ate a little bit of lunch and then we went to meet the parents.

Holt encouraged us to wear "nice clothes" to the meeting. They stressed that obviously this is a big deal to the children's original families and that they traditional wear some of the best clothes that they have. It looks rude if they're dressed nicely and we're wearing our scuffy sneakers and college t-shirts. I mean, no one put on a prom dress, but I would call us "business casual" as a group.

Went into what was serving as a waiting room. We sat in chairs, we were introduced to the people who would be translating for us and a few of the social workers. I remember a fairly subdued atmosphere at this point. We were all nervous. We received a schedule so each family would know what the order was. The first families were waiting in another part of the building and the children were still in Addis. Holt does allow photographs, but they do not allow video or audio recordings of these meetings.

I'm not going to share the answers that I received to these questions, but these are the questions that we had ready to ask to Little Miss' mother. We didn't ask all of them and once we received some answers I wish we had asked follow-up questions, but in the moment it just didn't occur to us.Working with a translator was not smooth and there were things that were "lost in translation". At one point when trying to clarify a point with the translator my husband lapsed into Arabic accidentally.... :)

1. How did you pick her name?
2. What can you tell us about her birth?
3. What was she like as a baby?
4. Who does she look like?
5. What are the names of some of her family members?
6. What can we tell her about her family members?
7. Did you have any nicknames for her?
8. How did you calm/comfort her? How did you make her laugh?
9. What's your favorite memory of her?
10. What's your wish for her?
11. What can we tell her about you?
12. Are there family skills/hobbies/traits that we can tell her about?
13. How can we pray for you throughout the years?
14. What did you like to do as a child?
15. Can you write her a letter now that we will have translated?
16. Is there anything that you want to tell us to tell her?
17. Was she a healthy baby?
18. Were there any songs that you used to sing to her?

We gave her the album that we made on Shutterfly and she was very happy about that. She loved seeing all the pictures of Little Miss. We included one picture of the outside of our house and one of the room we prepared for Little Miss. She really liked seeing Little Miss' room. It was such a plain photo by our standards (a toddler bed with a comforter, pillow, and doll on top and a rug on the floor), but she was just so happy with it. She checked with the translator a few times that it was all for Little Miss.She also was really interested in seeing the pictures that I had included of my husband and I with the boys. There were several of each boy. She told us the boys were "konjo" (beautiful) and seemed happy that Little Miss would have siblings.

After our meeting we went outside and were able to take pictures together. Then we went back inside and sat together and were given coffee and popcorn. We showed her all the pictures that we'd taken thus far of Little Miss on our camera and also showed her the video camera and the footage that we had. She was so happy to see Little Miss looking big, healthy, and happy. Sharing the pictures with her was definitely a high point. Several of the social workers and nannies that were there wanted to see the photo album that we had made. This woman in particular, I'm pretty sure she was a social worker, got the biggest grin when she realized that Little Miss was the "star" of the album. She was one more person that loved Little Miss. She looked through the album, spoke with her mother, and looked at our camera and video camera. I wish that she had been able to speak English so that I could have asked her how and what she remembered about Little Miss!

I did not cry during our meeting. I'm not really a weepy-cryey person. I'll let you guess which of us cried manfully teared up during our wedding vows.... :) However, once everyone's meetings were done we all went outside as a group. There was a group photo taken, which I think was strange and bizarre. After that though, I started to feel it. I had to say goodbye. Goodbye. This was it. I didn't want to leave her mother. I know full well that we may never hear from her again. We may never see her again. Little Miss may not see her again ever. There was so much that was left unsaid in so many ways and I didn't want to let it pass.

In the Old Testament of the Bible it talks a lot about when people met with God at a place that they would build a stone alter and that there was a covenant between them. That was the feeling that I had with her mother. To me, THAT was the day that I became her mother. The day that I looked at her first mother and promised, made a covenant, that I would love her daughter, that I would take care of her, that I would be her mother. It was terrifying, emotional, heavy, holy, and hard. I didn't want to leave that place. I did tear up when we said goodbye and we hugged a last time and then one last time.

Our group walked away to tour the Durame center. I stopped next to this coffee tree and cried onto my husband.

It was hard to see the Durame intake center. It was much more rough than the "transitional home" in Addis was. The nannies were still caring for the children in a positive way. The children were happy, running about, and held often. It was just obviously more rural and a harder place to be. And still, compared to other orphanages that I've seen and heard about it was a "good" place for kids to be.

 

It was definitely the hardest part of the trip, but it was so worthwhile. I would have liked to have spent more time in Durame. I might have needed to bring different food since the hotel wasn't doing it for me, but I think this was really the heart of the matter. Going out of the city, seeing Ethiopia in a more authentic light. It was amazing. I do absolutely want to go back with Little Miss someday. I want her to see Ethiopia, to experience Ethiopia. It will  never be the same as what her life "could have been" and she will have to come to grips with that on her own and decide what that means for her life, but I don't want her to feel like because she didn't grow up there that Ethiopia "isn't for her" and that she can't be a part of it. I would LOVE for her to meet her mother someday. I would love for us to be able to have meaningful connections with her throughout the years. I don't know how that will play out for us, but I'm excited to see what comes of it.

Teaching Reading

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE some audience feedback on this one! I know you brilliant homeschooling mamas are out there so please take mercy on me. I mentioned back here that we plan on doing some introductory homeschooling for preschool and pre-k and see how it goes.

Our plan was to buy the Sonlight P3/4 program as a family Christmas gift this year. My kids love to read it's books books books so it will be good. We'll use it as practice for the kids to have a focused learning time. In the fall (next fall) we would step it up a notch and be a little more formal with Peanut, but still laid back, I mean, it's Pre-K people. :) At that point we'd purchase the Sonlight P4/5. Another reason for me us to purchase the P3/4 program is that I anticipate being able to go through it again with the babies again when Peanut is doing his PreK stuff. I also think that when Peanut is doing K that the babies will be able to do some of that with him, but I'll have the P3/4 program with them as well for the areas that they're not as far ahead as Peanut. I think that once the kids are 4, 5, and 6 that they will be able to share materials a lot more and that Little Miss will be caught up developmentally by then with her skill sets.

Anyway, the point is that I didn't plan on teaching Peanut to read until at least the fall and even then I wasn't going to push it. I have no doubts that my kids will be readers and it isn't important to me if they start reading at 3 or 7. I know how to read to them and so I'll just keep reading until they're ready to pick it up themselves. (Of course, I'll keep reading to them for a long time, but you know.)

Here's the rub. Peanut is dying to be able to read. He asks me to teach him. It's not like I can say no! I'm not a fan of the whole-word reading approach. Obviously, some sight words will need to just be memorized, but I've seen a lot of kids fail using that approach. I want to use phonics with him, but I don't know how to teach it smoothly. When I try I feel like I'm babbling and not helping him connect. I need a program.

Right now Peanut knows all his letters both upper and lower cases by sight. He can tell you what sound all the letters make. I just don't know what to do next. Help!

Here's what I'm doing with him right now. We "play letters" I got out the letter tiles from our Scrabble game and wrote some common words on index cards. We sort out all the letters. We pick three words from our cards, make the sounds, read each word and then put the cards in a line like a sentence. We put the letter holders he calls them "letter couches" in front of each word and then he picks out the letters from the tiles and spells the word. We sound out words in books and I've slowed down in my reading and I'm pointing to each word as I say it. When he recites books I slow him down so that he can see the connection between the word that he is saying and the word on the page.

I've looked at some phonics stuff in a local bookstore, but it seemed like everything involved writing as well. I think that is challenges for younger learners because at least Peanut doesn't quite have that level of precision for writing. He can be a bit of a perfectionist and then get disappointed. He gets himself hung up. I want to avoid that dynamic.

He also has some sensory issues and he gets a little overloaded and discombobulated when faced with a page full of information. We tried the "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" a few months back when he first started wanting to read before Little Miss was home. I liked a lot of the program except for the writing, which I now realize I should have just left out. Our big problem was that all the practices for him and the instruction for me were all on the same page right in front of him. It was too much for him to find what he should focus on next. What I did like about it was the information for me on how to pronounce the sounds, very helpful. I also liked how it showed me the technique of pointing out the individual sound a letter makes, stretching out the word by saying it slowly without distorting the sounds, and then saying it quickly to put the word back together.

So, what I'm looking for is a phonics based reading instruction program without writing and presented in a simple format, but also helps me know what to say.

What are you all using?

Travel Post 5

Monday 3:40 pm- Reflection on the trip to Durame

We are "home" from Durame. My stomach feels a little bit strange for the first time. What a trip. It  might be cliche, but it's hard to process everything into words. The scenery was just gorgeous and felt so different from Addis. The city fades very quickly and the countryside just demands your attention. I know that a lot of people slept during the travel, but I couldn't do that. How many times am I going to be be driving through the world that my daughter was born into? I had to look. I had to remember because I will be the one who has to give it to her. It looks very much like Africa does in the movies. All of the lush greens, the hills, the goats and donkeys being herded about, fertile farm plots, round huts, children running to smile and wave and so many people working everywhere. Women were carrying sticks on their backs, children and mothers were wearing babies on their backs, little girls were tending to small children, little boys were tending the animals, the men were in the fields with primitive, but effective tools. And always there is walking walking walking everything.

The driving is insane. It didn't bother me too much, but it was nuts. It seems to work though. The key component is honking to let people, animals, and other vehicles know that you're coming. This is followed by swerving because rarely does anyone move entirely out of the way. The last resort is braking, which is always accompanied by more honking.

It was a pretty rattling experience physically at a few points and emotionally as well. I wasn't really worried about wrecking for myself, but there were times when crashing seemed to be the only option and I didn't want to hit any of the kids (the goat or human variety)! No one really seems to get bent out of shape about it though. I guess in Africa if the worst thing that happens to you during the day is that you get honked at then you're doing just fine.

Back to the beauty though. This is the most beautiful country I've ever seen. It makes me happy to tell Little Miss how wonderful it is where she was born, that she has a rich and beautiful country that is hers. It also makes sad to taker her away from this before she is really able to know it. It's her right as an Ethiopian to grow up here, but she won't. I see the children who are poor, but with their families and I wish she could be too. They are struggling, but they are making it. I wish she could grow up with her parents and siblings in a hut on an Ethiopian hillside. I want her to herd goats and donkeys around with a stick and a rope. I want her to be able to wear a little uniform and run to school holding onto her books. I want her to have her mother tie her little sister onto her back so that she can go and get more water from the stream to cook dinner without having the baby underfoot. I want her to see the sugarcane, false bananas, and corn grown and tended by her father. I want her to prepare injera and coffee over a charcoal stove like the women of her family have done for generations.

These people are just living their lives. A life that I am sorry to have taken away from my daughter. They are not sitting around their huts waiting to be rescued by America they don't need that. Yes, there is need for some change, but it needs to be done carefully and with respect. They need support-- yes, but saved? No!

I know it's not my fault that Little Miss can't stay here. I haven't caused her adoption and if we weren't adopting her someone else would be, but there's no denying the loss in adoption. Her first mother lost Little Miss. Little Miss lost her first mother. Ethiopia lost Little Miss. Little Miss loses Ethiopia. Adoption is just wrapped around and around loss until we can put a glossy photo on it and tie it with a bow. And somehow I am the one who benefits. I gain a daughter. It feels presumptuous and unfair, but wonderful. For me, just for me though.

Monday Evening: Reflection on the Durame Hotel

So, this place was described to us as a camping like experience. I think that is pretty accurate. The food was worse than camping food, but there were less bugs. Andrew might disagree with that. I think his food was better, but he couldn't sleep and swears he was being hunted by mosquitoes. The hotel construction and furniture we'll call...sketchy. The bed did have pillow and I don't think it was any harder than our bed in Addis. However, I think that it had about six times the numbers of springs that our other bed had. It was actually uncomfortable for me to try and sleep on my side. There was a bathroom with a toilet, sink, and showerhead. There was no running water, but hey, there was a toilet! You flushed the toilet by scooping water from a bucket into the toilet. The key to our room and another room were lost. The staff gave us the master key, but they kept wanting it back. The driver said we should probably hang on to it. We gave it to the other couple and they played a little "keep away" with the staff. The good news for us was that a couple we were friends with had the room next to ours and we shared a balcony so we stuck with them and just left our balcony door unlocked and were able to get in that way. Several other people didn't have any kind of key and so they just weren't able to shut the door.

This was the first place that I had trouble eating. I enjoy Ethiopian food and they seemed to have the same things as they did in Addis, but it tasted strange. At one point, dinner, Shonda and I waited over two hours to be served the "Special". We were a little less than happy to find that our plates contained kitfo, raw spiced ground beef. It was pretty comical.

You just have to imagine we've driven six hours down here are taking in the scenery, were nervous about meeting families and didn't really eat lunch, and then we met the families, and the amount of overwhelming that that is can't be described and so here we are very hungry, stressed, homesick, straight from one of the most intense meetings ever, we placed our order at 5:30 and we were served it at 9:00 and our plate has raw ground beef.

Clearly, we are not dumb. We were just not going to eat it. Easy enough. But our driver starts making a BIG deal about this. How they shouldn't have brought it to us, how they need to take it back and make us something else. And we're just saying "NO! Please don't take it. We won't eat it!" And our driver is looking at us like we're crazy and he doesn't think that we understand that it's raw and so he keeps trying to tell us, but we do understand and we are so hungry. There's only our husbands and one other couple left at the table with us. Everyone else ate and went upstairs to bed. They offer our driver to cook us something else, but we've waited for HOURS for this and we're tired now. So we finally settle it because the driver makes them scrape it off our plates like we were just going to be so overwhelmed with desire to eat it that we wouldn't be able to resist. So they finally put our plates in front of us. And our plates are swimming in raw ground beef blood. It's touching almost everything on the plate. There are like three bites (literally) of food that we can eat. We both lose it. I mean, we've got our heads down on the table and we are laughing.so.hard. Other people are looking at us, clearly we're insane and we just laugh until we cry. So there was no dinner that night, but we did get a good laugh out of it.

The next morning there was no electricity so there was no coffee and my scrambled eggs still had large portions of the shell on them.Yeah, Durame was the only place on the whole trip that I wished I had brought more food with us. I had two power bars and some beef jerky.

Toy Theory

I love to shop for my kids. Love it. I don't like to shop with my kids, but FOR my kids. Can I get an amen from another mom? I have no problem saying that I know what they will like better than they do. I also have no problem admitting that while they are little I am taking advantage of my mothering power to keep them away from things I don't want them to be interested in like comic book characters. Sorry, Superman. My kids don't watch Diego or Dora because I hate all the merchandising (and because Nick Jr. has commercials and my kids don't watch commercials).

The point is I love to find GREAT toys. Christmas and birthdays (and have them in rapid succession starting in the fall ) bring out my nerdy side. I make lists, I scour the internet, I read reviews, I look for GREAT toys. We don't buy toys willy-nilly. We don't have the space, money, or mindset for that. We buy toys for Special Occasions. I don't want to buy stupid crap. :) There are not many things in life that I'm neurotic about, but this probably qualifies. The other thing I'm neurotic about are the clothes my kids wear. However, I'm neurotic in a good way, I promise. (All my sisters are rolling their eyes now...)

Here are Jamey's Rules of Gifts:

1. I do not like "characters". They're okay on tv, but not on clothing (pajamas are okay if they're given as gifts. I try to keep them off undies, but that is next to impossible). I also do not support endless lines of character toys. I think our one exception is that we do have a bunch of "Cars" cars.

2. Open-ended Play is the way to go. This is my most number one rule. This is why the "Cars" cars were allowed (plus they were potty-training bribes) because while they are character they're still just cars. I mentioned that we don't do electronic toys in my last post about toys. Electronic toys and "learning" toys which are somehow mostly electronic these days are not open-ended. They have to be played with "correctly" and I think that's mega-lame. I can't think of one "Play This Way Only" toy that we have, not one.

So what kind of toys do I allow my poor deprived children to play with? An abacus and a globe. No, I'm kidding. We don't have either of things, yet. I would consider them both EXCELLENT gifts though.

We have cars and trucks and helicopters and tow trucks and airplanes, and firetrucks, and construction vehicles out the wazoo. Some are great wooden handmade items, some are commercial plastic items, some we bought new, some were handed down to us. They're rotated in and out and there are a few I'm on the hunt for, but more about those in a later post. These toys get a pass because they are easy to share, easy to clean up, and my children can play with them in eighty-million different ways and for eighty-million days straight without being tired of it.

We have bags and hats and mom and dad's shoes. I'd really like to expand our dress-up selection because they love to play with these things. They put on a hat, pick up a bag and "go to work". It's cute, it's fun and they play together. Seriously, I didn't leave anything out. We have three hats, three bags, whatever shoes they find downstairs (three kids) and that's it and they play and play. I'd love to get some doctor/nurse dress up things, some different kinds of hats (we have two ball caps and an old military uniform cover) and a few more props for them. I think they'd have a blast.

We have a kitchen set. Right now it's kind of a cheap one that we're borrowing from my parents, but we'll be finding our own for Christmas. We have some food, this fabulous ice cream set. Seriously. It is SO FUN. They have a few things from our own kitchen: my whisk that they broke, coffee containers, oatmeal boxes, empty candy tubes, etc. This is another area that I'd like to expand on. Again, it's cooperative play that changes every time that they play. I'd love to have more food items and maybe a little cash register and grocery cart for them to add to the fun. Plus of course a sturdier kitchen. I'd also like Little Miss to have a tea set/coffee ceremony set to play with.

Peanut went through a big tool phase for awhile and so we have some tools. We have a set of ABC beanbags that I made, soft balls for throwing and some other littler toys along those lines.

Little Miss has a few dolls that she likes to play with and Pickle loves to take care of the "babies" too. They feed them, bathe them, put them to sleep, snuggle them, kiss them. And sure, sometimes Pickle puts his in a pot and then bakes it in the oven. If that's not open-ended play I don't know what is! :) I think a few more outfits for her dolls would be fun (I might try to make a traditional Ethiopian outfit for the Cabbage Patch doll) and a cradle and maybe a highchair. (Randomly: I saw Little Miss imitate breastfeeding with her dolls and I can't believe that she has any memory of that!)

Some of our favorite toys are this Melissa and Doug train set (I love their stuff) that we bought in lieu of other obscenely expensive tracks or gimmicky cartoon engines. (I hate Thomas.) We supplemented with another pack of cars that fit though I wish I had gotten different ones. Plus we expanded it with a cool set by Circo and it's been great. We've had them for almost two years and there's only been I think two broken track pieces. Something else that we just got for Peanut and he is LOVING are Lincoln Logs. I got my set for a steal at Target a few weeks ago. It was supposed to be a birthday present, but I forgot to put the bag away and he found them and there was no retreat. :) There will definitely be an expansion pack in his near future. Last year for his birthday and Christmas Pickle got these two sets by Haba. They are definitely good quality and have been fun, but it's not really enough blocks for Peanut to be challenged in building though. They're still sufficient for Pickle and Little Miss, but we'll probably start to build up our collection of wooden blocks as well. There are some amazing sets out there that I'd like to have. I know Andrew is counting down the time until Peanut can start with Legos, but I think we still have a few years before that.

Other toys that I don't have a problem with having collections of are figurines. We have half a dozen dinosaurs that we keep together that the kids enjoy. We have everything from a squishy Spinosaurus that Peanut named Murphy the Girl that we grabbed at Target one day for 68 cents. I'm sure it is the most toxic plastic ever made, but all the kids love it. W have a generic, but big Triceratops, an expensive Schleich  Stegosaurus, a "Rudy" from Ice Age 3 that came in a Happy Meal, and Spike Jr. He walks, talks, and laughs. He also scares the wits out of the babies sometimes and because of despite this we keep him. Peanut has expressed a lot of regret that he doesn't have a T-Rex, a brachiosaurus, a teranadon, or ankylosaurus yet.

3. Quality is important.  A lot of time that means wooden toys, but not always. I want things that are going to last, but let's be real, I have to consider cost, interest, and hurt-ability. We had this great banging toy where you hammer the WOODEN balls down the chute. Hammering, cause and effect, gravity, simplicity. What's not to love? Concussions. Balls are for throwing in our house so preschoolers and wooden balls aren't a good combination. It'd be lovely to have a nice wooden barn for the kids' farm animals, but we can't afford this no matter how great it is. We had a plastic Fisher Price barn for awhile that I bought second-hand, but it met its demise recently. I'd like to find something else for Christmas/birthday. We just rotated our collection of animals in out of storage and they like to play with them. I think they'd play longer with a barn. As far as quality plastic toys that we do like I think that Fisher Price Little People sets are good. Their characters are diverse, they last a long time, and their toys are very open-ended. In fact, they make a few Nativity sets that I'd really like to have for the kids to play with at Christmas time.


3. Learning Toys. I think when kids are playing kids are learning, but I do think there are toys that can help with certain types of knowledge. In my house we don't have children's laptops or talking whatevers that teach whatever. Every time I don't let them bash each other over the head (or stop them between the first and second bash) I pray hope guess think that they are learning stealth violence peace something. Seriously though, in our house this is what we count as learning toys: puzzles, books, a bean box, a shape sorter, art things, music toys, etc. And yes, if I had them I'd give them a globe and an abacus too.

(I'd like to apologize for the preachy-rant that this came off as. Really, I don't care what toys your kids play with. :) I just got kind of tired of reading Toys/Fun Are Evil posts and I'm preempting the slew of them that will come closer to the holidays. I think that moderation and discretion are crucial, but I think it's okay for kids to have some good stuff. I understand poverty, hunger, and social injustice, I do. I'm not advocating spoiling your child or buying them an ipod with your tithe money. I just think that childhood and life is so fleeting. Soon our kids will be Big and Serious and Busy, but right now, let's just let them play.

So what about you guys? What are some toys that are favorites in your house? What toys can't you stand? Do you think I'm crazy for the views espoused in this post? Are you shouting in agreement with me? Bored with posts about toys? What's going on on your side of the computer screen?

Travel Post 4

Thanks to Carolyn for asking me if I was going to continue writing these posts. I did intend to, but was being (gasp) lazy. Your comment came at the perfect time when I was staring blankly at my computer trying to think of something to write. I apologize for the strange paragraphing. I was just trying to get it all down and I'm not going to try and make sense of it now. :)

Saturday, May 1, 2010.

This morning we're going to the University Museum, but I think we're going to try to be quick because they scheduled us for four hours. We'd like to be able to do some shopping as well.

Some of the things that we left out yesterday. We walked to the grocery store and bought some water, Coke, and (really delicious) candy. We also bought the formula that Little Miss was drinking. We brought some single-serving packets from home, but we will probably give our stuff away. I didn't realize that there was an upstairs to the grocery store and so we didn't get to go up there. I wanted to go back, but didn't get the chance.

Everyone knows Little Miss. Every nanny that walks by has to grab her and kiss her. She lights up and is animated and smiles for them. I'm jealous for that look, but I know it will come. Even the lady who did our orientation and is not a nurse or a nanny called her "my lovely girl, Little Miss".

I also met someone who "knew" me. I was allowed to send one of the blankets that I made with another family. The nurse was supposed to give the blanket to Little Miss. Anyway, he stopped me on the stairs before we had even met. I have no idea how he know I was. He said that they'd been waiting for me and that they had the blanket. Unfortunately, they didn't give her the blanket. Instead they hung it up on the wall in the health office despite the fact that it had her name on it. They also wrote her name on the lace with a marker. I mean, it is a flag, but I wanted my daughter to have it, not the pediatrician.

Saturday  Night:

Little Miss was livelier today and we had a good visit. We were there from 3-6. She let me hold her for a good length of time and snuggled up with me. She is a little more accepting of me than Andrew, but she'll warm up soon. I don't think she's very used to men. She's still very possessive of toys though she wasn't as interested in the same ones as yesterday. I should have brought more. She started goofing around with us again while she was eating an orange. She took an extremely minor tumble of the floor and cried excessively. I picked her up and loved on her. She turned the 30 second cry into a ten minute low-key whine once she realized that I'd keep holding her. She definitely knows her own mind. She hit Andrew once today and she'll push the nannies away if they try to get close to her while she's with us. I spent a few minutes in her room, Room E, upstairs with all the other little ones her age. (Does anyone have pictures of that room? I didn't get any!) All of the kiddos were quick to hit and I was actually hit with a shoe. I know who her parents will be and it was a very friendly hit. No big deal. Between a two year old's temperament and living in an orphanage it seems pretty par for the course. We did finally start to hear her vocalize today while playing with us and I heard her talking to the nanny in her room. I was told that she didn't speak a lot of Amharic and that the nanny spoke her dialect, Kembettinga. We played with water bottles and that was when she started getting silly. I took her up to her room again when I left and it was a little easier putting her in there instead of our previous goodbyes in the living room.

Also today we went to the National Museum which had some really really neat stuff, but there weren't any explanations for the items. You could be seeing something that was really old or really significant and a lot of times you had no idea what it was. It was a good time walking through and seeing the history though. I'd have loved to get a guided tour!

We ran into a group of children in the museum and it turns out that they were from all throughout Ethiopia and are sponsored through Compassion International. They all had matching shirts on, were very well-behaved, listened, asked questions, were friendly, and were doing little worksheets as they walked through. It was very neat to see them  and speak a little bit with the man who was in charge. We have a sponsored child (not in Ethiopia) and it was really neat to see how they really are working in Ethiopia and making a difference.

I talked to my mother-in-law today, which was nice, but I think made me more homesick than I was before. I'm also a tad bit worried about my little guys. It seems like they're running her a little ragged...I tried to warn her! :)

We also had the cultural dinner tonight, which was really neat. I will try to write more on that later. Tomorrow is our birth parent meeting. I pray that she comes and that we all leave the meeting with a sense of peace even in the midst of sadness.