We're up to Tuesday, May 4, 2010. This is the day that we went to the embassy and took custody. I was trying to be optimistic. I was hoping that getting custody of Little Miss and out of the chaos of the care center and without the distraction of other people around and we'd be able to settle in a little bit and she'd warm up to Andrew. Again, I was literally praying for a miracle, that "poof" everything would be fine and we'd be one of those "Transition? What transition?" families.
I have no journaling done from this point on. Once we took custody of Little Miss there was no way that I could handle writing. Truly, even the number of pictures that we took went way down. I was way more concerned with keeping my emotions bottled up then I was with processing them. Hell, I was trying not to even feel them. I was so scared and desperate. Can I just say that in every single post I write? I felt awful. Awful. I enjoyed Ethiopia, but my daughter scared the starch right out of me.
There wasn't a lot of fanfare for taking custody, but it still felt like it was taking forever. My miracle had not occurred and Little Miss was at the emotional level that I am when I have to go to the dentist...cue the panic attacks except that she was mad at Andrew and I don't get mad at him when I have to go to the dentist. Everyone wanted to say goodbye to Little Miss (even though she'd be back) and so even as we're trying to leave
everyone wants to hold her again. Her response to this splits between hitting and yelling at anyone who holds their arms out to her while I'm holding her and then after a minute diving for them. Then once they're holding her she starts pushing at them and trying to get back to me. She is clearly comfortable with these people and while I wouldn't deem her as "friendly" she's definitely spunky. :) Spunk is good.
The nanny is laughing because Little Miss smiled at her and then started giving her the cold shoulder when she realized that she was trying to hold her.
This is Sister Marta, she's in charge of all the nannies. She told us one of the most insightful things that we learned about Little Miss, but you'll have to wait until the right day to hear it. :)
This man is the guard who opens and closes the gate of the care center and otherwise guards the place. Even he knew that "Little Miss" was leaving and knew who she was and had to get in one last kiss.
Here is Little Miss agreeing to give the nanny a little bit of love. Do any of my Holt families know her name?! She really loved my daughter and we actually have multiple pictures with her.
Another woman that works at the care center who knew Little Miss. I don't think that she was a nanny so I don't know exactly what her function was.
We didn't change her clothes at the care center so that we could keep the outfit. I brought two full outfits (undies, pants, shirt, shoes) and left them with a nanny in exchange for the clothes she was wearing.
It was nerve wracking walking out of the Care Center. I was a) afraid that I would drop her... like I've never cared a child before that was probably an unnecessary worry because the child turned to superglue, b) it felt like I was snatching her and c) realizing that really, I was "it" now. There wasn't even the loosey-goosey schedule of the care center or nannies to try and ask questions to. It was just us. We had been given an unhappy toddler-stranger and now we had to learn each other.
We sat on the steps going into the hotel and took a picture. It was scary and exciting for us. Little Miss was just plain scared. None of us are looking good...
We went straight upstairs to our room. Carrying my very solid daughter all the way to the top level was no easy task, I might add! We didn't change her clothes immediately, but we let her walk around the room a little bit. We showed her the toys/clothes that we brought her. She wasn't really very interested in things and was clearly freaked out. She was just wide-eyed and shocked. Andrew was still a persona non grata. It was all very awkward. Trying to figure out what she needed, what she wanted, and how to balance those things. The language barrier felt very big right away. Really, I don't think it would have made that much difference if she understood us, but it might have felt a little easier!
We gave her a glass of "milk" right away hoping to help her feel more comfortable with us.
There wasn't a ton of time before lunch and then pretty quickly after lunch we had to go to the Embassy. So when Little Miss needed a diaper change we went ahead and changed her clothes. We decided that we weren't even going to attempt a bath for her. We put some lotion on her and called it good. I think part of the awkwardness was the huge disparity between how we felt and how she felt, what we hoped would happen and what was happening.
It was exciting to put her in the clothes that we had picked out for her, to dress a girl for the first time, to put her into a cute little dress and a headband (as opposed to jeans and a shirt with dinosaurs on it) to dress our daughter for the first time. Of course, the shoes we brought were too small and the diapers were WAY too small.
After she was dressed we had a little time. She didn't want me to let go of her as she was whimpering. She didn't want Andrew near her. I was holding her and I sat down on the bed. She was asleep within five minutes. It was bittersweet to hold her while she slept because I knew that it wasn't so much that she fell asleep as much as she "shut down". Andrew came over and sat by us and gave her some affection while she was asleep and couldn't protest. I sat there for a few minutes with her and then she peed and I immediately experienced the too-small-diaper as it leaked straight through soaking both of us. So she had to be changed again before we could down to lunch.
Lunch was pretty amusing. The child made a HUGE mess. We got her rice and chicken. She did like it, but she had to be sitting on my lap to eat or she couldn't reach the table. She ate pretty well. Some of the staff tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't speak to them. Everyone told us how beautiful she was. After her shock-stupor in the room we were happy to see her liven up a little bit when we put her down.
We went upstairs to pack a diaper bag for the trip to the Embassy. Little Miss fell asleep again on the van ride over. I was carefully trying to balance myself and stop her head from donking against the window. Carseats are good thing, folks. The appointment itself wasn't very noteworthy. We went to the embassy and sat outside for awhile, then they called the whole group inside and we waited there for awhile. During our short stay outside I remember wondering how long everyone else was going to be sitting there.
Someone had a ball which I was trying to avoid catching her interest because from my experience with children once they get wound up they remain wound up. However, she was given the ball, which then triggered mucho crying when I took it away from her when we went inside. She recovered quickly and was still feeling fairly playful, but a little edgy. She was smiling at everyone, but it included Andrew and so they were able to play little peek-a-boo sorts of games and make silly faces at each other. At one point I was playing with her too and she knocked her face, slightly, on one of the chairs and triggered an intense crying jag. I eventually got her calmed down, but can we say NERVEWRACKING?!
I had a few small toys for her to play with including some books, little girl necklaces, and some pipe-cleaners that I tried to show her how to twist into shapes and bracelets, etc. She was basically uninterested in everything. I'm pretty sure we waited forever, in fact, we might still be there waiting.... They kept calling everyone from our group except us. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Not good waiting. Waiting involved crying/trying to get down and run away which of course was not okay which means holding her when she wants to get down which she does not think is okay. So we go outside and inside and outside and inside and up and down and mommy starts to lose her mind because we all know that if you were to let daddy hold you or entertain that the very world we love would explode and you cannot be responsible for that and so mommy says ugly things inside her head so that she doesn't cry and we just keep waiting. We were the second to last family from our group to be called. Of course. The last family was Shonda's which only fits because whenever Shonda and I were on the same page about something we would be last, last, last. Seriously, this happened at multiple restaurants and then the embassy. We were a force to be reckoned with.
When we were called we went upstairs and spoke to a woman through a glass divider. She was very friendly and asked us easy questions that I don't remember. I know that there were a lot of people up there and I was more interested in people watching than what she was asking us, really. There was an Ethiopian woman across the room from us that was crying and I felt bad for her.
(Okay, TOTALLY random remembrance here... when we were on our way to Dubai from New York we talked to another couple because we thought they were from our agency because we knew at some point we'd be on the same flight. They actually weren't that couple and we chatted with them briefly and then said our goodbyes. Of all the crazy things though we ran into them in Ethiopia! We had stopped on our way to Durame at a little "cafe" and as we were going back down to our vans they were coming inside. I believe they were on their way, independently with a driver, to Awassa, although that could be wrong. Anyway, it was just this little thing I remember, but isn't journaled, but now it is.)
So, back to the embassy. After our appointment there was just one more family so we took Little Miss outside. She was fairly cranky at this point. There was a small grassy area and I changed her diaper. My arms were tired. She was/is a solid little girl. While she was in care of Holt she went from under the 5th percentile to firmly in the 50th percentile! After we were finally done we loaded back up into the vans. We made a stop or two along the way, but Little Miss did not sleep.
We got back and went up to our room and played the get to know you game some more. Andrew tried to engage Little Miss every way that he knew. There would be seconds of success, NO TOUCHING, and then lots of screaming. I treasure each and every picture that we have of their nano-moments.
Then we changed clothes into slightly more comfortable clothes. We gave Little Miss some of the snack food that we bought. We did a little playing. We went down for an early dinner. Little Miss was cranky because she hadn't really gotten a nap that day. Some of the other families were hanging out together, but with the challenges that we were already having we didn't feel like that would be a good fit for us. It was a little lonely, but we were so stressed, homesick, and worried.
I don't think I can say enough times how the constant cry of my heart was that God would just reach down and suddenly just make it better. I knew He could and I was just begging, pleading him to do that. He didn't and I wasn't angry, but I was so sad and afraid. I saw the road that was unfolding before us and I didn't want to walk it, I wanted a shortcut, something easier. I would be lying by omission if I said that I didn't
still want that. I'm slowly learning to walk this road, but my heart balks most of the time.
I don't remember much of our evening. We didn't get a lot of pictures. She didn't like Andrew to take pictures of her and I had to be within arms' reach most of the time which made it hard to use a camera! I remember dressing her in her PJs the first time and how sweet that was and how cute they were. I remember wishing that there were more smiles. We gave her formula. She wouldn't take a bottle, and wouldn't drink from a sippy cup. We took the lid off, but she still wouldn't drink if we were holding her. She would drink it independently sitting on the floor spilling it everywhere. I know that we put Veggie Tales in our DVD player and all climbed into bed to watch it. We had been brought a Moses basket, but that was certainly not going to work! She wouldn't even sit in the bed between Andrew and I. I cried a little while we watched the dvd.
I took a sleeping pill and held Little Miss while she fell asleep. Eventually she wanted put down and so I put her between us in the bed. She backed right up to me and wouldn't let Andrew even touch her head. She woke up once during the night and cried. I patted her and murmured mothery things and it seemed like she calmed to my touch. Surely, she wasn't aware of me at all, but it felt nice even in the middle of the night.
And we slept.
and so I don't know how I got so behind. 
, I'm reading my 
