Trauma Drama

I already talked about my daughter's Thanksgiving meltdown and I've talked about missing the euphoria/bliss/isn't-life-grand/I-heart-adoption-feelings that everyone "swears" happens by six months home.  And people hold six months out to you as a beacon, "Oh, by six months this will all be just a memory and you'll be filling out your paperwork to start another adoption!" Do you know what I say to that?

I mean, this is the post I wrote for National Adoption Month on our six months home day. It's less than...cheery. Oh, and not to mention that when you tell someone they're going to "feel better/be better" by a certain date in time and then they don't/aren't...they feel like even more shit. So, let's quit telling people that, mmmkay?

Anyway, I have another theory as to why my daughter flipped her self-destruct switch. I read about this in "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" before we brought Little Miss home. And then as she started to freak out more and more between six and seven months when according to "them" she was supposed to be settling and down and I was fully immersed in WTH and re-convinced that our adoption was going fail I had this little nugget bounce back into my brain.

Little Miss was in two different orphanages while she was in Ethiopia. She spent approximately six to seven months in each orphanage. 

So, just to spell this out. Little Miss was relinquished by her mother and settled into a care center. She had caregivers that she liked and that liked her (and they remembered her when went back to visit), there were kids there. The reports we received said that she was happy, playful, and knew her own mind. Six to seven months later she's comfortable there. And then she's moved to another orphanage.

And she gets settled in. Her caregivers tell us she's happy, playful, and likes to get her own way.  Six to seven months later she's comfortable there. And two strange adults come. Wer're friendly, we smile and talk and play with her. And then we take her away.

Six to seven months later she starts to self-destruct.

That my friends, I do believe is what Patty Cogen was referring to as an "anniversary reaction". Her definition is: "An emotional and physiological upset that commemorates a painful event." She goes on to talk about how this a common reaction for adopted children and can happen frequently especially early in an adoption.  Later in the same section she says "how a person's mind and body keep track of anniversaries of trauma on a weekly or yearly schedule is not completely understood. But anniversary reactions are an accepted phenomenon among clinicians and researchers who study trauma. An anniversary reaction provides an opportunity to reflect on or mourn losses, changes, and traumatic events."

She recommends marking calendars a week ahead of time, talking through these things with the child in advance, keeping expectations and outings minimal and following some of the other activities she promotes.

It's just "bad luck" for us that this anniversary for Little Miss fell right smack in the middle of the holidays and the one time of year that we have family coming. But trust me, the next six/seven month meltdown period...we'll be on top of it. Another "thing" is that once we get to seven months we'll have hit our first milestone and maybe Little Miss will feel it.

The last time she was in one place for more than seven months was when she was her mother. It's just a tiny little bit of stability, but we've outlasted each orphanage. And let me tell you, when we've outlasted BOTH orphanages I'm throwing a party (even in if I have to have it after she's gone to bed for the night!).

Sizzle, sizzle! (that's the sound of a brainstorm)

Today my daughter woke up from her nap and decided she wanted to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

How do I know?

Well, her English is good.

But not that good.

Her screaming stamina however is fan-fricking-tastic.

And since I am a very exasperated intuitive adoptive parent I deduced that the only logical reason for screaming so flipping long and so flipping loud for no flipping reason is to win a record. And let me tell you, I think she can do it.

Anyway, lucky for you that is not the subject for my post. I just wanted you to know how dedicated I am to you that I'm typing amidst my eardrums popping.

So last night, I was putting Little Miss to bed and going through our little ritual and she initiated a "matching/mimicking" game where she makes a face and then I make the same face and I make a face and she makes a face and she stands on one foot and then I stand on one foot...that kind of thing.

When she's into that kind of thing she's really into it and so she was trying really hard to copy the things that I was doing and so I started tricking her into doing teaching her these little relaxing poses and taking deep breaths, etc.

And that's when I had a brainstorm. Now, I generally don't have much brain activity at all so really I have a pretty loose definition of what a "brainstorm" is. Anyway...

I think that I could do trick/teach Little Miss some baby yoga.

Surely, that would be calming/centering/tantrum-quelling, right? Plus something bonding that we could do together and I think she would even enjoy it.

Now, I don't really know anything about this, but surely this is something I can make beneficial for us. There's got to be a book about this that I can buy. I haven't looked yet, but surely.

Anyway know anything about this? Done this? Therapeutic yoga, anyone?

Thanksgiving: The Bad Part

I don't want to write this post. It was such a hard Thanksgiving. And again, somehow, I thought I was prepared. I've been this kind of stupid before, like, when we thought we were prepared to adopt.

D'oh.

Anywho...

We had a snazzy little plan prepared, but we were fairly hopeful. Little Miss did pretty well when we traveled over the 4th of July, and we've had visitors to our house since then and while her reaction has varied, it's been improving as far as how she reacts to people in our home. Plus, Z-Nonna (my mom) had just been here and Little Miss had been pretty good. When we've been out and about she's even started to show preference for us over strangers. So we were foolishly optimistic hopeful that we could have a low-key visit.

Instead Little Miss went on a rampage. She was the queen of all Wild Things.

And I swear to Honest Abe Lincoln that it started the moment that my sister's family arrived. Little Miss went from fine to (I'm sorry, but) just obnoxious with a blink of her little eyes. And she only went downhill from there.

She regressed to behaviors that we haven't seen since we brought her home and she still has not recuperated from her funk. I've cried every day (excluding today) since last Wednesday.

(I want to be clear again that I'm not blaming her for how she acted. I get that she's a traumatized little girl. I'm just trying to explain what it was like.) 

The most minor issue we faced was increased possessiveness and while it was more than what I would call "normal" even for a two-year old it was certainly understandable considering that she comes from a background of having nothing. We're still working on Not Screeching About Toys at home on a daily basis and this certainly tested every skill in sharing that she said. But really, that is nothing. I don't care about that.

Almost every word we said to her that she didn't just ignore outright she met with defiance. If looks could kill then Andrew and I would have been dead every time she looked at us. And while we're talking about eyes...what about eye contact? You'd have thought that eye contact hadn't been invented yet. She wouldn't look at our eyes to save her life. On the random chance that she'd be looking at us and we'd look at her and actually make eye contact her face would instantly change to disdain and contempt. Seriously.

When we would redirect her or even just SPEAK to her any kind of limit, let alone the times when we'd touch her or pick her up, she'd either fall to floor and start to cry or would hurl herself into a tantrum. She spent so much time just howling that I feel bad that we didn't provide everyone (including our neighbors) with earplugs.

Biting? Hitting? Spitting? Kicking? Screaming?

Yes. And why don't we just go ahead and super-size that order?

Her boundaries were awful toward my sister and brother-in-law. We started with our "standard" limits as far as holding/feeding/comforting etc and we just had to keep tightening and tightening what we allowed from her because she wouldn't stop.

She was hanging on legs, she was climbing onto laps, draping herself across people, talking and smiling only to them while giving us Death Glares, she was petting, patting, grooming, hugging, kissing to them, only to them, no matter how little response she was getting from them. In the past when we've had people ignore her she's pretty quickly (even if begrudgingly) turned her attention back to us. Not this trip.

It was rejection day in and day out and it was salt in the wound that she could hate on us thoroughly and yet at the same time be so charming to them. It wouldn't have surprised me if she'd have whipped out our adoption paperwork and started whiting our names out and adding theirs. 

And every blessed day she got worse. My sister kept asking if we wanted them to leave and I kept telling them no because I didn't want them to leave, I loved having them here, but it was agony to watch my daughter self-destruct. 

It was heartbreaking and horrifying and frankly infuriating to watch. I don't think I've ever gotten that poor of a reception from her and with Andrew she was back to square one by the end of their trip. From the night before they left and through to the morning that they left if Andrew tried to pick her up she just started screaming.

I do have an idea of what her trigger might have been. My sister has three kids: a daughter who is exactly Little Miss' age, and two sons who are 5 and 6.

I don't think it was overstimulation either. Little Miss LIKES kids and she enjoyed playing with them (for the most part) and she goes to a Sunday School class which is fairly crowded and chaotic and she does fine there. We've been on a select few playdates and she does pretty well.

I think that deep down in her well-guarded heart she was shaking. I think she was threatened, that she thought that they were staying. Something about all the kids in a house, in her house, triggered her fear responses, and she felt like we had just turned our house into an orphanage and she was going to have to readjust all over again, adapt to new people and new everything again, that she was going to have to share US again, even more than she already does with Peanut and Pickle (which she still struggles mightly constantly with handling).

I think that we hurt her. And so she told us as clearly as she could, "So what? I don't care. I don't need you and I sure as hell don't even like you so stick that in your pipe and smoke it."

What tipped me off first was at the dinner table. We have a teeny tiny table and we don't all fit around it. We had the kids squished around it and Little Miss was going B.O.N.K.E.R.S. and she started stealing food off of people's plates.

I don't know what that caught my attention. She does have some food issues and she will snatch food, mostly snacks/treats from the boys if the opportunity presents itself. Mostly we just don't let her have that opportunity and there's a different "vibe" to that than there was here. The snack-snatching feels more like a crime of passion and lack of impulse control: I see that. I want that. I take that.

The stealing food off of dinner plates while she has her own plate of food just felt different to me. It was desperate. She was scared that there wouldn't be enough for her. And so Little Miss ended up eating her meals nearby the table, but not at the table. She was separated in a high chair and she was happier there. 

All of that is really just a snippet of how the weekend went, the bad parts. I don't know if that sounds "bad enough". It was terrible. I was such a headcase. I was angry and sad and crying and so frigging emotional. Blech. But I loved seeing my family. My boys had a FANTASTIC time with their aunt/uncle/cousins. Peanut cried when they left.

I don't know what I could/should have done differently. Maybe it would have been better for us to stay home alone, but I would have resented that and I would have wondered how it went. And while I don't want to put my daughter through emotional torture surely she learned and is learning some lessons about what a family is through all of this.

We talked and talked and talked to her during our quieter moments about: how busy our house was, we had visitors, what mom's job was, what dad's job was (taking care of her), who was staying in our house and who would go back home, who her brothers were, who she lived with, we loved her, we understood she was scared, blah blah blah.

Friday was definitely the worst day. We wore her in the Beco a lot. We took her upstairs for calming down. We sat with her for a long time at night and for naps. By Friday after her naps we quit letting her leave our side for the most part. She could run and play with the kids, but as soon as she headed toward my sister or brother in law we intercepted her and made her come with us. We held hands and walked from room to room, she sat on the floor by our feet to play, etc. It always involved a tantrum.

It was just so defeating.

And she is still spinning.

And I am still defeated.

LoL/LoL: Recipes

Welcome to my blog series! Please come in and sit down, ignore your kids, have a cup of coffee and laugh at my life. I'm excited to bring you:

Lots of Littles/Lots of Laughs

For more LoL/Lol check out Diary of a Zookeeper by my friend Katy. We're planning/hoping to have a few more mamas join in with us as their lives settle down a little bit because misery loves company the more the merrier!

 

Today we're talking about recipes.

You should all be glad I went over and read Katy's blog before writing my own delinquent post because I was just going to slap up a few recipes and be done, but she was all talking about how she cooks and cookbooks and I thought that was a good idea and definitely a more thorough post than what mine would have been. You're such a good influence on me, Katy.

I love cookbooks. I do. I think they're so fun. 

I just went and counted...

17 cookbooks, 14 Eating Well Magazines that I've saved (I loved this subscription, but it has since expired), 14 cooking magazines from my mom that I haven't looked through yet, 16 pages of printed or handwritten recipes, and a recipe box. I have goals for that recipe box to contain all the recipes that we've tried and liked, but right now it's not particularly full. 

I still make most of meals from scratch and I was even able to feed a friend who has Certified Food Weirdness and usually can't eat at people's houses and came prepared with her own food. It was a proud moment. Since Little Miss came home I still do a fair bit of that, but much less than before. Plus the meals that I'm cooking now are generally recipe-free or minimum-use recipes at best. Before I used to cook a new recipe at least once or twice a week and I was cool with up to an hour of prep time. Now...not so much.

Something else that you will not be surprised to hear I don't think...

I don't follow directions well.

I don't do "details".

I think probably the most used word when I'm cooking is "ehhh" which I've defined to mean: Whoops, I'm sure that probably won't matter much.

I use recipes more as suggestions. I mean, who are they to tell me what to do?! 

I use "ehhh" (and you have to say it with a happy little shoulder shrug) as far as 

exact measurements go

which ingredients to use

substitutions 

etc.

Now, let me say in my defense that I am a good cook! 

I am! 

I'm not fancy and my dishes might not be artistically arranged on the plate

because who the hell has time for that?

but they taste good!

Now onto the recipes

(At this point you are probably NOT thanking Katy for giving me something else to blather on about)

Breakfast:

Personally, I hate breakfast food, but see the wisdom of feeding my kids routinely.

This is a non-traditional breakfast (which make it possible I'll eat it) recipe that came from this cookbook:

Breakfast Pasta:

Cook a small pasta (we use ditalini or orzo)

Drain, add a little bit of butter slosh it around til it's melted

Add cinnamon and sugar

I also add things like flax seed, wheat germ, and the like

My husband thinks this is insane, but the kids like it and it's a nice change of pace from regular breakfast fare. Another perk is that it's easy to make a bunch of it and reheat it for a day or two.

Lunch: 

I don't cook for lunch. Really. Just no. I consider it to be gourmet cooking if I slap together peanut butter and jelly. I'm surely not putting fort any more effort than that. My kids are tired by lunch time and they don't eat much anyway. I eat leftovers and if I made up a big salad at the beginning of the week (which I have done in oh, almost seven months) I eat that. I LOVE soup so I used to eat a lot of canned soup, but now I'm being cheap. 

For lunch I usually stick to finger-food types of things for my minions. Crackers, fruit, cheese, raw broccoli, a roll, things of that nature. No recipe involved. Happiness all around. (Okay, that might be overstating it, but so far lunchtime has been murder-free...)

Dinner:

My husband is ready for dinner about ten minutes after he eats lunch.  I have a loose goal of having dinner in the works when he comes home around 4:30 and we try to eat around 5:00.  

Asparagus Soup: 

14oz chicken broth

1/4c water (ish)

1 yellow potato chopped up

1 medium shallot thinly sliced (don't know what this is and don't use)

1 clove garlic sliced (use the minced jarred kind)

.5t thyme

.5 savory or marjoram (uh huh, right)

1/8t salt 

A bunch of asparagus, chop off the nasty parts and toss them out and then chop up the good parts

Bacon/Facon/Proscuitto (however your taste runs) COOKED and CHOPPED

1. Put everything except the asparagus and bacon in the soup and boil it. Reduce heat to simmer until the potato is cooked. Toss the asparagus in. (I add a strip or two of bacon at this time, but the original recipe doesn't). 

2. Cook until the asparagus is tender. Fiveish minutes.

3. Use an immersion blender or a regular blender or food processor whatever. Puree the soup until it's you know, soup. 

4. Serve it decorated with bacon slice on top for garnish. (I don't do this because I added the bacon to the soup)

This is a very good soup that we love. The kids generally eat it fairly well. It doesn't make a lot though so it needs to be served either as a "course" if you're the fancy-type or with another main dish.

Texas Caviar: This is a snack food/dip recipe

A can of black beans, rinsed and drained (duh)

A can of whole kernel corn

3/4c of your fav. salsa or pico de gallo

2T fresh cilantro (don't skip this)

1.5t red wine vinegar

1t cumin

salt/pepper/hot sauce to taste

1. Mix it all up.

2. Refrigerate 2 hours or more

3. Happily consume

This next is a recipe that my mom used to make and is delicious.

Chocolate Scotcheroos

1c sugar

1c. light corn syrup

Cook those things in a large pan until it boils Take off the heat.

1c peanut butter

Add that to the hot sugar mix (typing hot sugar makes me giggle and think of Gayla)

6oz chocolate chips

6oz butterscotch chips

Melt those together in microwave

6c Rice Krispies

Mix that into the hot sugar mix.

Grease a 9x13 pan

Dump the hot sugar and cereal mix into the pan. Let harden, but cut into squares while it's still warm. Pour the topping on top and let that harden as well. 

Turn to your husband and say "I love hot sugar" and giggle. (Okay, you don't really have to do that, but I'm not responsible if you do.)

Don't forget to check out Katy and share a recipe with us! Post it in my comments or write it up on your blog and link up with us. We're always on the hunt for new recipes or apparently new cookbooks! :) 

Oh, and you might want to pop over and check out last week's posts about laundry. Mine has gotten some late-to-the-game comments from people and Katy's post was late because she was sick. 

Paparazzi

I think I've mentioned before that we haven't gotten a lot of comments (though we do get a lot of double-takes) when we go out as a family. The comments that we have gotten have all been about how beautiful my daughter is (I had one woman who was sitting in her car talking on her cell phone shout it out her window at us on our way in and out of the post office) or the "are they twins?" comment. There's not been anything offensive or rude and really there hasn't been much said at all. I attribute this to the fact that she has us stuck in the house she is easily overwhelmed in public places still.

I did have her (alone) out with me the other day. I cannot remember where we were, but the cashier was trying to talk to her. She made the usual remarks about how pretty she is and then she said,


"You look JUST LIKE Angelina Jolie!" (I wish!!!)

"She looks just like Zahara!" ----------- I stared blankly.
"Angelina Jolie's daughter!" ------------- Oh right, my adoption inspiration, the woman I modeled my blissful life after. (I'm guessing the only thing Angelina and I have in common is a desire to do Brad Pitt.).
"You know? Don't you think?" ------- And, really, I didn't answer the woman. I was trying to think of something to say that was nice. Ignoring her wasn't as rude as it sounds because by then the transaction was finished and we just said goodbye.

I wasn't offended, more caught off guard by stupidity. The thoughts in my head were:

Oh, of course, I should have recognized the name Zahara. Because you are clearly on a first name basis with her, but I guess I haven't had time to keep up with my People Mag subscription these days.

 Next Thought

That's probably the only black child you know. Because I don't tell mothers of little blonde-headed girls that their daughter looks like Dakota Fanning. My daughter has more features than her skin. And she IS beautiful, but not because she looks like some celebrity kid. 

Next Thought

Okay, Snarkette, you don't actually know what Zahara Jolie-Pitt looks like so MAYBE they do look like each other. 

Turns out that they don't look like each other any more than Angelina and I do.

 

 And with all due respect to the Jolie-Pitt family

my kid is cuter!