Sometimes I think that the reason that I don't do things that I say I want to do is because of fear.
Not fear of failure, although I think that's mixed in there a bit too.
Mostly, I think it's a fear of success. Maybe it's a fear of future failure? I don't know.
Is that weird or what?
But I worry that if I publish a novel....I'll have to write another novel, a better one.
I worry that if I get my life organized...I'll have to keep it organized.
I worry that if I uncover my healthy self...I'll have to stay healthy.
I worry that if I start any of the programs that I toss around in my head...I'll have to run them.
What if I become good at something or famous for something or rich because of something (even within my own small world) and I don't know how to give the glory to God? What if I can't maintain it? What if it changes me? What if I'm really not a screw up? What if I'm really not this person who can't get it together? What if I'm not this person that I've always been told I am and thought that I am?
What if God wants more for me, but I'm clinging tightly to what I think/what I am now? What if that little tiny whisper inside my heart that that longs for more, that tells me that I am more...what if it's right?
The answer is the same as the answer always is. God is bigger, he's already there, he's the Truth.
I just wish the journey was a little less harrowing!