Did you catch that?
I am admitting that I love my daughter.
Now, let's clear a few things up. Gayla, go get your tissues and I'll wait for you to come back. ;) I've been thinking about this for awhile and I've mentally been constructing the blog post since I got back from Orlando a few weeks ago. I've said before on this blog that I didn't love my daughter like I loved my sons. I've said that to a handful of friends that I made online, cried about over the phone with a few people, talked about in person with some people and they all told me the same thing:
"Yes, you do. You love her. You just don't know it yet." And I rolled my eyes, told them that they were
This isn't some ooey-gooey mushy squishy sappy crappy H@llmark kind of love so let's leave Little Princess Flower locked in the closet for awhile longer. I don't understand how it happened, or what happened, or when it happened. I don't know anything (which pretty much sums up my entire adoption experience). There was no Defining Moment, no beam of sunshine, the heavens didn't open, I wasn't kissed by a rainbow, kicked by a unicorn, and there wasn't Something Significant between me and Boohoo, she didn't apologize for causing me psychological damage, hell, she didn't even quit spitting at me (she BIT me today!! First time for that). I don't even feel different moment by moment and everything I wrote here about adoption being hard is still true. I just know different.
I'm now one of those people that I didn't want to be. I would say that yes, I love her and yes, I love my boys, and no, it's not the same, and yes, that's okay. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the difference between Before and Now, maybe it's just having that acceptance that this is where we are and it's okay, maybe that is what changed and let me have love for her. I don't know. I also don't think that we'll stay here. I think we will get better at this, at each other, still.
Like I said, Boohoo and I still have more of a "bite the bullet" love than any kind of love that is likely to be mass produced and stamped onto wrapping paper. It's nitty-gritty love, survival love, drag you to therapy love, stage an intervention love, tough love, make a fool out of myself love, do it anyway love, hold you while you cry love, cry myself to sleep for you love love, look past your crap love, bang my head into a wall love, not bang your head into a wall love, refuse to quit love, refuse to let you quit love, force the truth love, reject the lies love, hold your pain love, change myself for you love.
I think it's exactly the love that she needs. Imagine that...maybe I am exactly what she needs.
(Yes, I admit that after eleven months of thinking I was nothing but wrong wrong wrong for this child, my child, that it makes me a bit teary to think that I could be good for her after all.)