Q & A

Q: "Are you still crazy, Jamey?"

A: "Yes, but I think I might be rallying."

Q: "You still tell everyone that you talk to how awful things are right now and how you're still not coping even remotely well. How do you twist that into 'rallying'?"

A: "Well, Snarky Smurf Self, I'm starting to feel very guilty in my crappy attitude and while I'm not actually acting any better yet my brain is telling me that it's time to move on. So take that."

Q: "So this whole 'rally' is purely hypothetical, based on emotion, and without logic?"

A: "Yes. That's pretty much how I roll. I AM tossing some ideas around while acting like a buffoon."

Q: "Do you care to share any of your so-called ideas to assuage this 'I'm a total crazy person' vibe you're putting out there recently?"

A: "Eh....I'm working on it. I'm getting some accountability, backing away from the books, returning to the way we used to parent, working on myself, focusing on a few specific things with Boohoo, looking into another round of short-term therapy, as well as checking into some issues with the doctor. Just a few things like that.

Q: "Do you think it's going to make a difference?"

A: "I've got no freaking idea and frankly, I'm trying to have very few expectations, but I have to try."

Q: "You know that interviewing yourself on your blog is very weird right?"

A: "Just living life Zehlahlum style!"

Nothing but the truth

We've been home with our daughter for thirteen months.

What can I say?

The other day I was just walking up the steps to check on the kids during naptime and it hit me anew and I had to sit down right there on the steps and do the ugly cry. When it became clear that it wasn't just some passing tears I took myself back down to the kitchen and sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out.

I am so tired of this.
I am so heartbroken over this.
I am so quickly running out of hope.

My thoughts are now less than ever about what great things that we have ahead of our family and more about how we're ever going to survive. Frankly, it's not about healing. It's just about not dying.

I can't do what's expected of me.
I can't be the mother my child deserves and I'm sorry for that.
I can't parent the way that I'm supposed to parent and I'm sorry for that.
I can't respond to my boys with grace and patience like I used to and I'm sorry for that.
I can't be therapeutic and playful with my daughter and I'm sorry for that.
I can't be the wife that my husband deserves and I'm sorry for that.
I can't be the me that I used to think I was going to be and I'm sorry for that.

I don't know what happened to me. This despair is apparently (suckishly) recurrent in my life, but I thought I was past this depth of pain. We were better! I swear we were! And right, Boohoo started having some increased behavior issues, but I was doing okay with it. Then, maybe three weeks ago, WHAM KABAM! I got buried in it, deep, deep down buried. Now I can't find my way out of it.

All those hopes and reassurances people gave me that everything would be different at a year, everything would be better, everything would be a distant memory, everything would be great. Just one more lie. One more 'milestone' that we get no part of. What's next? I don't want to know anymore. I don't want to know when the next time that everyone will be "sure" that we are fine because I don't believe it anymore. 

Thirteen months and I'm scared, helpless, confused, sad, and angry. Thirteen months and my daughter turns away from my husband and screams at me. Thirteen months and my boys sigh when it's time to get their sister out of bed. Thirteen months and we still don't feel like a family. Thirteen months.

Where's the parent?

Alternate title:   "Reason #4234 that I'm Screwing this Baby Up "

Have I mentioned that I'm totally befuddled lately?

I don't know anything.

My biggest issue (per normal) is trying to raise girly-girl. I'm ready to throw my hands up and let her do whatever she wants and then tell people that she was raised by wolves. Maybe I should just hire a wolf-nanny.

Because I can't do it.

My head is spinning. She does something and I freeze. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

Consequences? No consequences?
Therapeutic parenting? Wolf Parenting? Love and Logic parenting?
Boundaries?  No boundaries?
Playful parenting? Demanding respect parenting?
Treat all the kids the same? Treat all the kids separately?

I have no idea. I am totally flummoxed. I mean, seriously. Not like a cute little "oh this is so tricky" giggle giggle. I'm talking about a big "WTH?!" bellow.

There are no answers. No two people have the same opinion. Some people (hello, husband!) have no opinion. I've yet to find two professionals who know enough of what they're talking about to have opinions worth listening too and we all know that professionals never agree.

I get that I'm supposed to be the expert with my kid, but until she's old for me to hand her a cranberry and vodka I'm not the expert on anything. I seriously need someone to tell me what to do. Anyone?

And so it goes

What's going on here lately you might ask?

Well. Nothing that I want to talk about.

In brief, I would just like to curl up under the covers of my bed and never come out again.

I said last night that the words that describe me most right now are 'discouraged' and 'resigned'. If I could add a third word it would be 'failing'.

I'm grieving the life we had before, failing at the life I have now, and afraid of the life still before us.

Sara Groves Sunday

I started this little series last week talking about the song "It's Going to Be Alright", which I've loved for a long time. This week's song is new to me. It came on the "Tell Me What You Know" CD which is  my newest one. I have gotten two recommendations for some of her music that I don't have yet so that's exciting.

"When the Saints" by Sara Groves

lord i have a heavy burden of all i've seen and know
it's more than i can handle
but your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and i can’t let it go

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

and when the Saints go marching in
i want to be one of them

lord it's all that i can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but when i think of all who've gone before and lived a faithful life
their courage compels me

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
i see the shepherd moses in the pharaohs court
i hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

chorus x2

i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
i see the young missionary and the angry spear
i see his family returning with no trace of fear
i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights
i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side
i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door

i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load 

chorus