Acting Like a Fool 101

Adoption is about trauma and adoption is trauma. 

Trauma is not good for brains. It takes up residence inside a hurting and scared little kid's brain and it starts kicking and poking and creating a hurt place that the child has to work harder to protect. And maybe you don't see the hurt all the time because they learn how to compensate and hide it, but it doesn't go away. Trauma sits there and waits. Maybe most of the time that child acts okay, but when something happens, when they get scared or frightened or overwhelmed that's when trauma takes over. It stands up, stretches with a smirk like it's got all the time in the world, and it goes right for that hurt place in the brain. It starts poking, jabbing, kicking, and screaming again as it stomps all over that sweet brain and fills it with fear and lies. And then you see your child start up the wango-tango.

As parents, as humans, we want them to STOP. We want to give consequences or punishments and make them get themselves together. What we have to remember, what is the hardest thing to remember and to own up to is that at that point our children are NOT in control of their brains. The child is being held hostage by the trauma. You can't reason with trauma, you can't consequence trauma. Your job is now to run interference between trauma and your child's brain.

You do that by "playful parenting" by "Out Crazying the Crazy". You can talk with your child later, process with them later, help them make it right later, teach them how to defend their own brain from trauma later. That link I linked to is from Christine, oh Christine how I love thee, and a few weeks back when I was going stark raving mad she talked to me via computer for hours and she drove this point home to me that I've got to increase the silliness in my responses to Boohoo.

She gave me homework. She told me to make a list and write it down. "I was listening, Christine!" Since then I've referenced my list when talking to people a few times and I've been asked to share it. Here it is. This works for us. It's also really specific to things that I know would get my daughter's attention. So when you wonder wth is she singing THAT? It's because it will work for my daughter. You'll have to make your own list.

Twenty Ridiculous Way to Defuse/Redirect/Distract/Unshame Boohoo

1. Sing "Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho"
2. Do the Hokey-Pokey
3. Sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes"
4. Find Boohoo's 'Stop it button'
5. Play peek-a-boo
6. Suddenly and urgently need a doctor
7. Become an animal
8. Dive under a blanket on the floor
9. "Did you see Pablo?!" and follow him
10. Announce it's time to brush teeth
11. Pretend to be a race car/airplane/helicoptor
12. Jump around, jump jump jump around
13. "Forget" where something is/Go look for an elephant
14. Pretend I can't stop falling down
15. Stage a phone call with a weird object
16. Do yoga/Pilates
17. Do a hand-clap game
18. "I think I see a ....something really weird..."
19. Play Ring Around the Rosie
20. Go get a bandaid
21. Look for her "nice voice"/self control

I still don't do these things nearly as often as I should and I confess I hardly ever do them in front of someone else, even my husband, but for the most part they work!

Books About Adoption

A fair number of the emails that I receive are asking me about which books that I've read and which I recommend. Well, here is the answer to that question. I have read all of these books. Truthfully, I own most of them. Please, don't ask me to count how many....

The Complete Book of International Adoption by Dawn Davenport (Ya gotta start somewhere!)

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis

Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray

Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray

When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas

Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Vol. 1 by Heather Forbes

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Vol. 2 by Heather Forbes

Dare to Love by Heather Forbes

Attachment Focused Parenting by Daniel Hughes

Coming to Grips with Attachment by Katharine Leslie

The Post-Adoption Blues by Karen Foli

The Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao

Twenty Things Adoptive Parents Need to Know to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge

(fyi: This post will be linked over under the Zehlahlum Library page since I'm trying to spiff that up)

I think that's it. For now. I have my eye on a few more. Are there any that I missed that you've liked?

Channeling my Inner Elephant

I know it's early in the day yet and that I'm totally jinxing myself, but today has been so much better. I'm sure it's a combination of:

* Extra people praying for me today because of my desperate post yesterday, which as I see it, is just another benefit of raw honesty. People know when and how to pray for you.

* I resolved last night that I was going to try and respond to my kids like "this moment is my last chance" which maybe is morbid or weird or overly dramatic, but hey, it certainly changes the tone of my voice

* I set my alarm last night (and even though I still didn't get up before Peanut who rises before the sun!) I was awake before the babies. I dressed, read the Bible, prayed, and stretched for a minute (I know that sounds weird, but I get killer headaches). I wanted to have a cup of coffee first, but I took what I could get and not one of those things took me longer than 5 minutes.

* When I was praying it came to mind to pray that I would serve my children and show them Jesus rather than 'just' parent them. Holy freaking guacamole is that a whole new paradigm. And it turns out a good one.

And then I read "Horton Hatches the Egg" and wow, do I want to be that elephant!! I'm seriously planning an entire post on the lessons and corollaries between mothering and Horton. Stay tuned. :)

And yet we struggle on

.....sigh.......

I don't even have words for how much this sucks, for how confused I am, for how much my heart hurts for everyone involved, for how much I worry about our future, for how scared I am, for how much I wish that it could be different, for how much I want to make things better, for how helpless and guilty I feel, for how sorry I am, for how wickedly uncool this whole damn situation is.


.....sigh.........

So, can someone please tell me what to do?

'Cause I got nothing.