Welcome to Diet Zehlahlum! The Saturday feature that from the Zehlahlum Family that you love
because it's not your life! Diet Zehlahlum is "lite" on stress, seriousness, and thought. Please note that the title Diet Zehlahlum makes no guarantee that you will lose weight while reading. In fact, we recommend that if you want to lose weight you step away from the computer AFTER reading this post and try some jumping jacks or something.
Today's Diet Zehlahlum is all potty talk and inappropriateness that was just too funny not to post even though I probably shouldn't.
If you don't want to spit coffee at your computer I recommend you turn back now.
There is one Boohoo story in here, but the rest of them are straight up Peanut. Pickle is always happy to laugh at potty-talk, but he's just starting to venture into the arena of initiating the randomly awkward conversation. There is one story from the week that involves him and Peanut, but I can't post it on the internet...which after you read the rest of this post should really tell you something.
He was telling Andrew about his big scheme to create a medicine to make bones strong by juicing all of these different fruits and vegetables. The list was pretty typical (for a four year old who knows about juicing...) slices of peaches, a few "bunny carrots", apples, and spinach, etc. Then he starts in telling us about the super ingredient..."It's a big bowl full of peas! I don't mean the stuff that comes out of your pen!s I mean the little round green things that you eat." -----thanks for clearing that up buddy!
The other day Andrew, and all the kids were sitting at the table eating dinner. We don't usually have family-style dinner, but it's a goal and so today I had made a nice dinner and decided that I would sit down too. Of course, we don't have enough chairs and I didn't feel like sharing with one of the kids so I pulled up our green bilibo...If you flip it upside down it makes a little stool. It's not maybe the ideal way to eat dinner, but I was making an effort. I thought I'd get some kind of bonus points. I tell you all of that to set the stage, for an already incongruous dinner setup.
Peanut looks over at me and starts right in talking about twins. "Mom, if you had twins..." He almost lost me there because a) is there anything I need less right now and b) both times I was pregnant I had actual nightmares about having twins. "they'd both grow inside your body at the same time..." here I'm feeling pride that he doesn't say 'grow inside your tummy' because that's a pet peeve of mine and awww, look how smart he is. "...and then they'd both come out of your v@gina..." and this would be where I made shocked eye contact with Andrew because c'mon it's the DINNER TABLE, we're not ready for this conversation and here's my kid looking at me and talking about my business. And we're both laughing and trying not to laugh because clearly we're trying to pass on awareness and anti-shame in the miracle of bodies and birth, but does it have to be at dinner?! "...at the same time and then when one had a birthday the other would have one too and they'd always be same age and that is what makes them twins." And I confess that by this time I wasn't listening to him at all because I was laughing and still a bit freaked out.
Boohoo until recently hasn't known much anatomy besides "bottom" or "booty" as she generally calls it. But not very long ago she wanted a word for the rest of her business so I told her "v@gina" because I figure that's enough detail for this age. So she went through some fascination with that word and we had some conversations about her parts because once kids know what it is they have to talk about it. After her bath one night we were in her room and I turned about and caught her as she was about to stick something up there. I stopped her and had the Never Thought I'd Be Saying This conversation with her. "Boohoo, your v@gina needs to be empty." And she nodded solemnly. "Is your v@gina empty? And she solemnly informed me, "v@gina empty." And then I realized that we should take this to a national level! It could be the next Abstinence Only education plan's slogan: "Is Your V@gina Empty?" or "Empty V@gina Since 2011" or whenever they sign their pledge. I can just see them all walking around high school with their slogan pins pinned to their backpack. Sign up today!
One morning Peanut walked up to me and said, "Mom, I've been wondering. When you go potty is the pattern always 'pee...poop...pee'?" This is really when I realized that he had mastered the early-math pattern recognition skill. These kinds of things are not in any parenting book I've ever read that tell you when you need to brace yourself for the inappropriate continually or when it will go away. How am I supposed to know what I should answer, what I should discourage, what is the sign that my kid is well and truly messed up?! So I told him, "that sounds like a question you should ask your dad when he comes home!"