More than Words…
(This is the second post by Julie. Read the first one here)
The Empowered to Connect conference gave my husband and I tools and solidified some of the things we were already trying to implement at home. I was so very glad he (Steve) came with me, as he was able to see, digest, and realize for perhaps the first time just how serious our situation is with Benjamin, and how integral a part he plays in Benjamin’s healing.
Steve is a very emotional person, and he cried a lot during the conference. This was a very good thing, as he went with me to try and help Benjamin, but with a bit of skepticism, having worked in the mental health industry for 11 years of his early career.
At the conference, they showed a lot of video of kids who “come from hard places” like our son, and how those kids were learning to heal and build trust with their parents and caregivers. They showed different methods to use that have been proven both scientifically as well as relationally to work. We heard from people like us, met people like us, and were raw at the end of each session, trying to digest all of it.
We learned so many things at the conference that it is hard to digest them all. There are not enough words to use to share all that we are still processing; however, here are a few of the things we are now doing consistently (whereas before, sporadically) and we are finding little “wins” here and there. I hope these help someone out there who is struggling to figure out how to help their attachment-deficit child:
1. We realized at the conference that when they talked about Sensory Processing Disorder (three words I had never heard in that order, much less given any thought to), they meant OUR child. The distressed one. The raging one. We learned that he also has an intrinsic need to have his sensory needs met.
In English, this means that his movie bouncing is not normal. He needs to bounce. He needs to swing. He needs to rock. He needs to ride his bike. He needs to do highly physical things to keep his brain chemistry intact. If he does not have enough of this type of sensory input, his brain will not work properly, and that’s when he goes into autopilot, which is called “flight, fright, or freeze”, also known as “the rage”.
Benjamin goes into flight, fright, or freeze when he has not had enough physical activity in a day. We decided to make a schedule and change his daily routine after school each day to include at least 30 minutes of hard playing (swinging, bouncing on a mini-trampoline, riding his bike, kicking the soccer ball, etc) before he does homework or rests.
You see, he’s already been sitting all day. What was I doing? Having him come home and go immediately into homework mode. Not good for a child with SPD. He needs to release his pent-up chemicals so that they are more balanced, and then he will be better able to focus on chores, homework, and other things we ask him to do.
2. Snacks and water every two hours. This one made me laugh when I read it in Dr. Karyn Purvis’s book, “The Connected Child” before attending the conference. Steve laughed at first as well, but at the conference, Dr. Purvis explained why it was so important.
Children from hard places (her terminology, and it fits well) need to know that they are being cared for, and since for many of them, their needs may not have been met early, small snacks such as fruit, cheese, peanut butter, granola, applesauce, etc help keep their blood sugar in check. If their blood sugar is in check, they are better able to focus.
Likewise, Dr. Purvis discussed how important it is that our de-regulated children drink water every two hours. This helps keep them hydrated, and better able to concentrate. This may seem impossible if your kids are in school like mine, but we are working on a plan to present to the school so they will allow Benjamin to come to the office every few hours for a small snack and water. While he does not currently act out at school, we know that if we help him keep his blood sugar regulated, he is less likely to act out both at school and at home.
Oh, and I almost have to set a timer at home with our new schedule to remind myself to hydrate Benjamin. One of the suggestions she had was to “lead by example”—drink water before your coffee in the morning so your child sees how important drinking water is to you. They are more likely to do as you do, not as you say, if they see you doing it. This one is SO HARD for me to do! I like my first coffee of the morning!
3. We are using the Learned Response Method to build a trusting relationship with your child. We implemented that immediately, and while it meant for a very difficult first week behaviorally speaking, it also meant that we were starting to help Benjamin’s brain heal…even just the tiniest bit. This method involves three steps to discipline that are geared toward what actually causes the behavior, not the behavior itself.
This is so hard to remember when your son is screaming how much he HATES you!! When he’s broken one of your prized possessions, kicked your dog, hit his brother, or thrown everything in his path at you, the last thing you want to do is try to figure out why—you just want it to stop! Here’s how:
When Benjamin starts to disobey me…even just a little, the first step is to playfully redirect him. This keeps the relationship intact and the redirect light. If that does not work, and he continues to spiral into what I call “the grunting phase”, we remind him to use his words. You see, my highly intelligent six year old has been diagnosed to have the emotional equivalent of a two year old…so we have to work with him as we would a two year old. No reasoning. Few words. Direct commands are used.
If he cannot use his words, he is told to sit down (time in, not time out) close to us, and we give him two choices based on whatever caused him to resort to the behavior. The choices are designed to empower him and help him feel like he still has some control…yet by giving him the choices, the control is actually ours! We ultimately are deciding for him, but giving him the opportunity to learn how to make good choices in his life. If he doesn’t choose, and starts to angrier, then we have the right to choose for him.
Sounds easy, right? No, no it is not. There are times that we have to put Benjamin in what is known as a “therapeutic hold” to allow him to rage out his anger and sadness in a safer way for all of us. Once he calms down, we go back to “the scene of the crime”—where the beginning of the pain happened, and teach him how to do it right.
This is done after he is calm, and it may not happen immediately. It may be two hours later that we do it over. This is where patience rears its ugly head…and I learn once again that patience is not one of my better virtues. But I’m learning along with Benjamin that patience is the key! Connecting with my disconnected child will require patience and time. A lot of time.
For each year we have had him home, we have to add a month of healing, according to Dr. Purvis’s research. That means we have at least six months of non-stop healing ahead of us, and a lifetime of constantly revisiting the hard places to help Benjamin continue to move forward.
For example, if you have ever been sick or had surgery, and were told “it takes time to heal, you have to do these exercises, rest a lot, drink lots of water, etc”, then imagine that when working with your son or daughter and trying to create a relationship based on trust. Trust that did not happen for my son because he was not taught to trust as a baby. He was made to believe (in his tiny self) that he was alone in this world, no one would care for him, and he would always have to be in control for things to be right.
Like surgical healing, relational healing takes time, hard work, dedication, and patience. And it takes much more than words to accomplish if it will be done correctly.
4. We have also taken Dr. Purvis’s approach to reconnecting our family, and added one element that we thought was key:
a. We stick together (as a family)
b. We don’t hurt (with words or action)
c. We show respect
d. We have fun
Our boys (we have two) have learned that for the fourth one to happen, the first three have to be in place. We are learning that as well. That as we remember that we are a family, we won’t hurt, we will show each other proper respect, and then we will have a lot of fun together. I created little posters that show this with words and pictures so that when we are starting down the road of rage…before we ever get to even the first block on that street…we can go to the poster and remind Benjamin our new “House Rules”.
We also have them repeat the rules frequently throughout the day so they will be imbedded in their hearts.
This week (week two), we are starting to implement 1 Corinthians 13—the love chapter. Last night, I read it to the boys before bed. I read it two times as God wrote it through Paul…and then I took each of my boys’ names and inserted them where the word “love” is: “Benjamin is patient. Benjamin is kind…”. They were immediately calmed and I could see a light in Benjamin’s eyes that had been gone for awhile.
That’s not to say that we are finished or that the hard places and rages won’t come. He did make it to school on time today…so there is hope that today will be rage-free. Even if it’s not, I know that we are on the path to healing using the methods we learned at the Empowered to Connect conference.
If Steve hadn’t come with me, I believe it would be much more difficult to implement the new methods. It took the two of us going to the conference together for us to be on the same page. We had to be on the same page to heal our son. Otherwise, healing would not be in process of happening.
It takes much more than eloquent words written carefully on a page to help us learn how to help our son.
It takes action.
