Christine talks about “ruts”. Karyn Purvis talks about learning better “scripts”. Paul talks about “doing what I do not want to do”. I’m giving the win to Thomas A Kempis with “Fight bravely, for habit overcomes habit.” That has become one of my favorite sayings since we brought Boohoo home although certainly not one that I always follow.
A huge part of our struggle right now is that we’re fighting habits that have been entrenched for almost two years. There’s good reason that we’ve created those habits and frankly, some of them have helped our family survive intact to the 2 year point. However, in the ever-present longing to move from surviving to thriving we have to say goodbye to what gets us through the moment and focus on what gets us to healing. It sounds like it should be an easy trade, but anyone who is trying to make can tell you how hard it is and that those opportunities are gone almost before you see them passing.
We are in the middle of some huge transitions in the Zehlahlum Family. Andrew is separating from the military, starting a new job, buying a new house, having this house packed, living without furniture for six days, moving into a new house, and starting to paint every atrocious wall in that house. We’re prepping for all that now and then the changes will all take places within 9 days of each other. And because we’re gluttons for punishment we’ll be doing that with three preschoolers in tow and without Andrew actually taking any time off during the process.
Hey, and while we’re talking trauma triggers… Boohoo was relinquished in April, Andrew will have a birthday in there as well (30!) , my parents are coming into town eight days after we move (which will be a godsend, but will be a tailspin anyway), and then we move straight into Boohoo’s two year home anniversary, and then her birthday. Yeah, that’s our April. What are you doing?
All that to say, this isn’t the time for us to be trying any big sweeping changes in how we parent. We need to hunker down, hold tight, and have a sense of humor (until we make it to June probably). I have a big plan for “Opportunities” but you won’t see it until then. And it’s not medically recommended to hold your breath for that length of time so don’t do that, just you know, wait eagerly.
For now, I’m taking a simple approach. I printed off a 100 Days calendar from A Holy Experience and I’m using it to track three times a day that I choose to do something kind for Boohoo and/or we “have a moment” together. I just started today. My three items were:
1. Rocked and read 2 books
2. Sat with her while she played in her room
3. Exchanged silly compliments
Looking forward to seeing where we’ll be in 100 days! Anyone else in?
I love this idea of small steps for overcoming. I'm praying for an April that exceeds expectations!
ReplyDeleteoofta april sounds like a real bi*tch. I'll be praying for you all! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post (as always! I love your blog). We're in a similar situation to what you describe with needing to move from surviving to thriving. A lot of the techniques and routines and consequences we've put in place have made it possible for us to survive, to get some calm and order in our home, to get our kids to the point where we can get through most days without meltdowns. This felt so huge that we were content to coast along there for awhile. But they aren't really healing and so we have to add new things--and many of those new things kind of go against what we've been doing and saying so far. It's so hard for us, the parents, to unlearn one script and learn a new one! I read Bryan Post's Great Behavior Breakdown yesterday and can see that a lot of his ideas could be effective with our boys. So I'm taking notes and trying to memorize a new script--literally! Love your 100 days idea. I'm going to try that starting today!
ReplyDeleteApril is our big traumaversary month (relinquishment two years ago), as well as our daughter's birthday (big thanks to the government official that assigned her birthday to be the day before her relinquishment!), so we are wading through that bit right with you. We moved (and my husband started a brand new job) over the holidays, so while we didn't have to deal with that at the same time as traumaversary, I do feel your pain in regards to moving in the midst of something stressful. It's tough, but you'll make it. (Also, could I use more parentheses?) (Yes! I'm going to use these to tell you that a friend and I will be using the 100 Days calendar to improve our connection to our children. We're IN!)
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