This is the next post in what I think is probably my unofficial series of “Mother Heal Thyself”. I’m not saying that because I think any healing has taken place in my heart, but because maybe this is removing the rocks from my tomb. At any rate, it’s certainly my wondering how we get from Here to There.
Just something quick that I have rattling around in my brain, two ideals, playing against each other, opposites.
I feel myself pulled in two different directions, for me, I think it boils down to the pull of the world versus the pull of my faith. In my life I boil Christianity down to love. In Matthew 22: 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” And then there’s John 13: 35, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another”.
Besides the fact that so many people in the church have forgotten love, oi, I know that I am called to love, actually love, Boohoo. I have not and do not believe that I’m called to “fake it til I make it”. Love. I am Boohoo’s mother. I don’t believe that I was “called” to adopt, but I do believe that as someone that loves and follows Jesus that I am called to love. Love. Love. Love. I’m called to love without counting the cost to myself, to love at my own loss, to love even when it’s a sacrifice, to love when it would be easier, safer, explainable, and understandable not to, to love when I don’t want to, to love because He first loved me, to love because He is love, to love because in Him I am new.
I feel that call. I feel it beating in my heart and pulsing through my body. I feel it strengthening my arms and empowering me to reach out, to calm down, to smile, to speak nicely, to show love. I feel the call to love expanding my boundaries.
If the call of Jesus is to love then I feel that the song the world is singing is self-preservation. It tells me that it is good, right, acceptable, logical, and my duty to take care of myself. I need to follow my goals, my dreams, my path and that if it comes at the expense of anyone else that’s okay. It’s my right, it’s my life, it’s my will that matters. If I can do some good along the way then all the better, but I don’t have to, shouldn’t, step too far off my path in order to do that good. The tune of self-preservation is catchy and once it’s in my head it’s hard to get it out again. And those outstretched arms? They wither and tremble when self-preservation is in control, to self-preserve you have to pull back, stay guarded, protect.
I’m trying to dance to two different tunes and I’m getting mixed up (like my examples) and I’m tripping over myself since I don’t know which song is the one I’m supposed to be listening to.
Love.
Self-preservation.
And me.
One added nuance that rumbles around in my mind both in parenting my own challenging children and in reading your post is the difference between love as a feeling and love as an action that I decide upon.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I don't FEEL loving, but it is my job to decide to LOVE my challenging kids anyhow. To reach out my arms and twinkle with my eyes and give that extra treat and say yes to that request if I can. To choose to ACT OUT LOVE even when my heart feels only frustration and hurt. When those actions are counter to what I feel like doing, they're oh so hard and I can sometimes feel like a faker and a fraud. But really, it is more about deciding to be a grownup--honoring my commitment-- to BE FAITHFUL to this wounded child whom I've covenanted with God to LOVE.
I'll never do it perfectly. I am so grateful for God's grace, covering my flaws and making more of my feeble effort than it deserves. But I find that the more I focus on being faithful instead of getting hung up with results I'm not seeing, the more peaceful I can be, which in turn lets me feel less conflicted and more loving towards my precious kids.
Not sure exactly how that meshes with what you wrote, but those are the thoughts your post inspired in me.
Thanks for sharing!!
Mary, mom to 10, including 2 from Korea and 4 from Ethiopia
Thanks for the comment, Mary. You always give me something else to think about. When I say that I feel called to love I don't mean that "sparkly love feeling", after two years I've realized that I can't force that although it feels like the holy grail at times. What I mean is that it's not enough for me just to do what needs to be done with/for her, but I've got to change the attitude behind the action.
DeleteI do really like the idea of thinking about how I respond as being faithful because that is an "end" in itself instead of feeling like my success is based on the response I get from her. If I'm dependent on changing her attitude/behavior as having a successful interaction then I'm going to be frustrated all the time and more willing to escalate my own behavior in order to try and change her behavior. But if I use being faithful as my standard then it's just about me and my behavior/attitude and not hers.
woah, you totally got Mary from Owlhaven to comment on your awesome post. you are so cool. To me, in my life, self preservation always feels like a wall being built.To keep myself self and to keep the crap out. It feels like closing myself off from hurt. And so to me, taking care of myself in the way God wants me to is not self preservation, in fact, I can't preserve myself. When I try, I end up not relying on him. Real "self care" means relying on Him, allowing angels here on earth to help me when I need it, asking for help so I can take mental breaks to exercise, pray, mediate, etc. But self preservation/self care turns into evil for me and my family when it turns into finding ways to numb feeling, stop pain, block difficulty. Those things hurt my marriage, my self love. I can't close myself off to pain without simultaneously closing myself off to God's love, husband's love. For me, self preservation, or survival is a downward slope. It can't go on too long because it affects everything. I do think the openness, the love is indeed the answer. The siren song of self preservation is strong, and tempting and selfish and for me, doesn't get my anywhere but hiding behind a wall. It feels safe, alone and empty.
ReplyDeleteI made a mistake in the second line, I meant "...to keep myself safe..."
DeleteI agree that self-preservation is a slippery slope. For me, that's one of the reasons that I have to avoid so diligently and have such a hard time stopping it once it's started. As soon as I fall into that the first time I just pick up momentum and the whole thing just snowballs...and then all of a sudden it's two years later and things suck...lol kinda. :)
DeleteI agree. It's a slippery dance and it can turn to evil and selfishness. BUT, reality is that caregiver fatigue and secondary PTSD are very real...and the highest rates and most severe cases are found among child welfare workers and the foster/adoptive parents who raise traumatized kids. If you don't take measures to safeguard against them and lessen their blow, you'll end up crashing like I did and so many others I know have done. At that point, you become completely ineffective in all areas of your life. Sadly, the progression from being on fire and excited about providing care to one of God's precious children (regardless of their age...child or dependent adult) to being a hollow shell of yourself where your own PTSD reigns supreme follows a distinct pattern.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why I'll be addressing this topic (probably multiple times) in my webinar suppport sessions (details on my blog at http://www.fromsurvivaltoserenity.com/2012/05/caregiver-fatigue.html with updated dates and times at http://www.fromsurvivaltoserenity.com/2012/05/webinar-schedule-change.html)
Diana, are you the previous "gold to refine" blogger?? I used to lurk! I also recently had a blog follower question about finding a good trauma/attachment therapist in Utah (I do not live in Utah and could not answer the question) Do you guys live in Utah? I was attempting to find you to ask you for just this question!
DeleteRead my mind.
ReplyDeleteExcept, for me, self-preservation can be so sneaky... When I sequester myself with the babies and send Anna to play by herself, is that really because *I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE BABIES!* or is it self-preservation?
But what Mary said... acting out of love even when I don't feel it. I do it in my marriage, right? Because I know that an active choice to show love to my husband is actually loving him. So I need to do it with Anna. Period.
It is so hard. I feel myself so torn lately. We are at a cross roads. We are choosing. Do we choose to continue parenting her or would disruption be better. We don't know. I hear two very clear voices in my head. I know without a doubt one is the Devil and one is God. The trouble is I do not know which is which. I just keep praying that His voice will become clear to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my husband and I were just discussing how love is not really a feeling. It is action and it is choice but not a feeling. Feelings come and go. My husband is very clear that we love her as much as the others. That each choice - even the ridiculously hard ones - are made from love for her and wanting what is best for her. I still struggle with the fact that I feel differently for her. I just don't know.