Dear Grocery Store Me,
First, I think you’re awesome. It’s always nice to start with encouragement, right? Now that we’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, please continue reading Option 1 or Option 2 as appropriate.
Option 1) I see you’re rocking the “Comfortable with My Kid-full Life” look. No makeup, messy bun, jeans, and a t-shirt that’s (more or) less clean. Way to be yourself and not worry about judgment. What a message of confidence you’re sending to your children!
Option 2) Look at you! Dressed in your cute skirt and painted toenails and your (only) designer shirt and messy bun you are showing your kids that you can be you and a mom. Way to be yourself and not fall into stereotype. What a message of confidence you’re sending to your children!
Now, awesome Option 1 or Option 2 Lady, here we go.
* Wearing your ipod headphones and listening to music (or your audiobook) neither lends you an air of sophistication or makes you seem very approachable, but it does give this trip to the discount grocery store a slight feeling of “alone time” and we all know that’s in short supply, so just go with it. Anyway, you can still smile at people (!) and aren’t you here by yourself in the grocery store so you’re not approached a million times? (Mom, mom, mom, mommy, mooooom, mom, hey mom…) Don’t worry about it. Zen out while you shop for discount grcoeries, you are a modern woman.
* Watch how you’re walking, though. Last week, there was a lot of purposeful striding, as if you were in a hurry. Slow down, honey. The dirty kids, dirty dishes, dirty house, and dirty laundry will all still be there when you get back. Speed grocery cart pushing is not yet an Olympic sport and this isn’t the trials. Just cruise a little. Pause by that end cap and consider the merits of chocolate pudding or butterscotch pudding. That’s right, let your head nod to the beat of your music. It’s okay, you don’t know these people. Just rock it out until that crazy mom fades slowly from your eyes.
* And now, more important than your walk and the reason for this letter. Please remember: don’t buy the discounted off-brand feminine products again. Remember that “panty liner” that was the size and comfort of a paper towel wrapped jetliner? You were crinkling and wincing while you walked all week. You’d have been better off using a newborn diaper. The difference in price is only a few dollars. Get the real brands from Target like everyone else. You’re worth it, honey.
The You that Doesn’t Like Chaffing